That's what I'm talking about

B: Momma loves you if you're honest and repent.
A: Just like Jesus.
B: (sings loudly) Momma loves me, this I know.

***********************************************

CJ: You know what I really don't like about this family? We're all up and ready to go to a meal, but when someone wants to do something fun, no one will get up off of their fat asses.

***********************************************
B: When we were little, did you let us dress ourselves?
M: Well yeah...You always just wore your costumes.
A: That explains a lot...just think of how much joy we brought people in the stores and restaurants...woah...I must have been big.

**********************************************

M: Anytime any of you are getting ready to do something, I want you to think, "What Would Momma Do? W.W.M.D?" I'm going to get little bracelets made...I might just get it tattooed on Bethy's arm.

*********************************************

(Bethy got a C+ at school)
B: I don't drink tequila...not since the tequila party at Harvey Mudd.
M: W.W.M.D.?!
D: Would you have given the party a C+?

*********************************************

A: Face it mom. There's a little gay in everybody.

********************************************

A: He asked me if we wanted more butter, and I said, "oh NO!"
D: Yeah...I heard that, baby.
B: I love it when Amy gives us all the play-by-play.

******************************************

M: I think I'll just get it tonight when I go to Wal-Mart.
A: You're going to Wal-mart tonight?!
D: Yeah...Your mom's a big deal at Wal-Mart. I used her as an expert witness once about Wal-Mart.

******************************************

D: I just wish you're mom would have put up sperm straws of me. I'd show pictures of ya'll...sell that shit...the great maternal herd sire.
B: I don't ever want to have that talk again.

******************************************

D: Poor baby...always hurting herself when she's tanked.

******************************************

(talking about South Beach diet, CJ's obsessed with a good Shirley Temple)
B: I'm not gonna be able to eat sandwiches for very long...so I'm gonna eat as many as I can.
CJ: (Pats belly) Me too!! Half a dozen Shirleys all around!!

Let the games begin!

(Amy burps)
Bethy: You offend every one of my sensibilities.

###############################

Dad: Your lucky my parents had pug instead of schnauzers...that's why I married you, you know...
(Mom holds Suzie up to her face)
Mom: You mean I don't look like my precious daughter? I could be a schnauzer or a pug.

###############################

Bethy: Is this on "Momma songs" too?
CJ: Oh yeah.
Bethy: Does mom like it?
Mom: NO
Bethy: You would, it's Dispatch.
Mom: No Bethy...Dispatch is like the Sheriff's office.

##############################

Bethy: Suzie bit Courtney's face and then tried to get my body.
Dad: My Suzie was just hurting...uh...Amy, would you come and get her?
Amy: Uh...no...I like my face and body just the way they are.

#############################

Dad: So, where are we going before Ninfa's?
Mom: Nowhere, why?
Amy: He thinks you're going a weird way.
Bethy: The wrong way.
Dad: No...not the wrong way, just in the opposite direction.

#############################

(Dad realizes that he wasn't quoted in the last entry)
Dad: So...I have to be weird like your Mom to be quoted?
Mom: Well...you either have it or you don't.

#############################

Bethy: It's a lot better for me to drink one night with my friends than to drink every night with my sister, who's an alcoholic and pops a beer every time she's stressed.

#############################

Mom: Is she writing that down.
Dad: I think we'll see that one again.
Mom: Oh that was a good one dad...you're getting the hang of it.
CJ: Well...I still don't get it...at Camp, they always say that I am the funny one.
Mom: Well...maybe you should just lighten up...then you might be funny.

############################

Dad: She's just enjoying her status as the Lucille Ball of her generation.
Amy: Good one dad.
Dad: I have them all the time...it just depends on whether or not people are listening.
CJ: That happens to me all the time, Dad...I mean...I recall a really funny conversation from Thanksgiving that never made it.

###########################

Mom: So...are you going to cry about it?
CJ: That would be a spoiled and immature way to handle it...the new Courtney just needs to make Bethy shut-up...she steals my limelight.

###########################

Mom: Yeah..that's just an empty bottle...there aren't any pills in there.
Waiter: OH! Brussels Sprouts!! Woo...sorry...I was just being a weird guy.

###########################

Mom: You need to drink that stuff everyday until you get regulated.
Bethy: What?! She's gonna get the shit shot out her butt?!
Mom: No...she's gonna get the momma version of a colonic.
Dad: I think Aunt Bonnie makes your mom regular.
Mom: You mean she makes me want to shit? You're right!!

##########################

Bethy: Ame...you really don't have to worry about me being skanky tonight.
Amy: I know...I'm just mainly scared for my thigh highs.
Bethy: I mean...all of my male friends are gay and all of my female friends are straight.

Home is Happiness!

I went home for the wonderful week of Thanksgiving! Sometimes I almost forget how funny and fabulous my family is...they said so many awesome things and I only wrote down a tiny bit.

***************************

Bethy: You should hear my schedule for next semester...
Mom: Oh Gawd.
Bethy: Feminism in science.
Mom: Nice.
Bethy: Sex, Body, and Reproduction.
Mom: You'll LOVE that one.

***************************

Bethy: Yeah....mom and I just have that kind of relationship.

***************************

Mom: I could work here.
Bethy: I could do a better job than you....I'd be dippy, but at least I'd be pleasant.
Mom: You'd be drunk.

**************************

Bethy: I've never used a beer bong.
Mom: You just hang in there, Bethy.

*************************

(the weather was WILD)
CJ: It's because of El Nino
Amy: you made that up.
CJ: No. Really...El Nino.
Mom: It's real. It's impacting Alaska. All of that territory is melting.
Bethy: Alright! Does that mean that we will be bigger than them?!
Amy: Like a true Texan.

************************

Mom: If I could live on the Mississippi River, I would...something about that river enchants me.

**********************

(Heidi Linder was Bethy and CJ's voice teacher)
Mom: I'm going to sue Heidi Linder. I'm still trying to figure out who the fuck I can sue for Amy's voice.
Bethy: Sue yourself.
CJ: Yeah. Blame your genes...you know, as bad as my voice is, it's not NEARLY as bad as Amy's

********************

Mom: Amy has a bunch of friends coming over.
Bethy: Really?
Mom: Yeah. Jessa and her boyfriend, Natalie and her boyfriend...
Bethy: Woah! Where's your boyfriend Amy?! Fifth Wheel!!
Mom: Write it down, Ame.

*******************

(Danger Zone is playing on the radio)
Mom: Look at all this traffic...they designed this so poorly...all these bad drivers! Talk about a danger zone.

******************
(leaving hair salon)
Mom: There was a lot of blue hair running around in there.

*****************

Mom: Right now, you're just fat, happy, and carefree.

*****************

Amy: Woah. Your pants won't even button.
Bethy: Yeah - I know...I'm big...but I still get more play than anybody else in this house.

*****************

Bethy: Mom does so much absurd stuff...but no one ever believes it...like when she chased me with that chair today.
CJ: You know what Matilda says about the Trunchbull: "never do anything by halves...do it by wholes...then you get away with it."
Bethy: Yeah. Mom has that tatooed on her somewhere.