The Banks' Family Band

Sad Day! Tales from TaeBo

2008-09-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

(Augie, the instructor, makes Courtney be the example for how to measure one's arms)

Augie: Relax the arm, and I'll take a measurement...Now flex it.

Courtney: Oh, yeah...me with all my muscles.

A: Don't knock yourself! You have muscles!

(Augie takes the flexed measurement. It's the same as the relaxed.)

C: Obviously not.

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(First day of TaeBo)

Courtney: So, Augie, I have these back problems and I'm seeing a chiropractor. Will that influence my TaeBo?

Augie: What exactly is the problem?

C: Well, basically, I used to be fat, then lost a lot of weight suddenly. But my spine is still acting like it has all the weight, messing up my posture.

A: So, you really just need to change the muscles around your spine, right?

C: Pretty much. That's what my chiropractor is trying to adjust.

A: You just need to work out, girlfriiiieeend!

C: That's exactly what I did NOT want to hear.

Mobster versus Monster.

2008-04-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

(Bethy is talking A LOT about Strangers in Paradise)
Bethy: So, which issue do you want to hear about?
Amy: David’s Story
B: So, he used to be a Japanese mobster but he changed his name and identity in honor of this...
A: Wait, is he a monster or a real man?
B: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I don’t think the president of SMU gay kids club should call transgender people monsters.
A: Wait – I thought there was a science-fiction element.
B: MOBSTER, not monster.

True, so true.

2007-11-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

Libby: Tons of people don't wear underwear! It's totally normal. You know, no one in my family really wears it.
Mike: You know, when I think of the Banks' family, I think the pinnacle of normalcy -- the Banks' family band!

Funny Courtney

2007-11-02T12:10:00.001-07:00

Libby: Has anything funny happened to you lately?
Courtney: Well, health services missed a vein and poked me twice.

Ditto, Libby

2007-10-30T14:35:00.000-07:00

(Mike is flexing his arms)
Mike G.: Hey Libby, do you know any good veterinarians around here?
Libby: No, why?
Mike G.: Because my anacondas are SICK!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Mike: Okay, so imagine there's this tank and a Mini-Cooper.
Libby: Wait, are you describing yourself as a tank?

**********************************************************************************************************

Libby: Isaac, I'm dating someone who doesn't like Bruce Springsteen, and I don't really know what to do about it.

Isaac: Ummmm... break up with him, right now.

Libby: Oh, but he's pretty close to perfect otherwise...I guess he'll just have to learn to like Bruce, then love him.

Isaac: I think you're giving in. Maybe this is the first step, and next year you'll start voting republican, working for the man, and contributing to the interlocking systems of oppression.

A Little Tale About a Catheter

2007-09-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

At the request of Bethy, I am putting this on the blog.

This one day I woke up and I was SO cold. Like I was shaking cold. In August in Texas. Is that insane or what? So, even though I felt like shit, I got dressed to go to class in jeans, an undershirt, a t-shirt, and a hoodie. I was seriously getting into the layers. And to top it all off, my Chinese class is in the coldest building on campus. Nice, right?

Then, in the middle of class, I got amazingly hot. I started sweating. I took my jacket off. I rolled my sleeves up. Still sweating. Still so hot I couldn't focus. So I rolled up my jeans, there in the middle of class. I was getting the weirdest looks, but I swear it was necessary.

After class, I went to Health Services, and they recommended I go to this AM/PM clinic thing off campus. So then I finally got to the clinic, and they wanted an urine sample. Well, the problem with that was I have a hard time giving urine on command ANYWAY, plus I had just gone to the bathroom right before.

So I'm sitting in this tiny bathroom in the clinic, and I'm running the faucet water, reading the pamphlets, doing everything I can think of to try to pee. And I can't go, right? Not for my life. After about thirty minutes they knocked on the door and said that if I couldn't go, they would have to get the sample by using a catheter!

Now, this really freaked me out. Because my Grandmothers were/are catheter dependent, and I did NOT want to live the rest of my life like that. But, after another five minutes, I admitted defeat. At twenty, a catheter was put into me. After me asking the nurse, the intern, and the Doctor, if this was going to make me catheter dependent. They all denied it. And the catheter was painful. But they got the sample, right?

So, I'm sitting in this room reading the Iliad, and they come back, and tell me...there's nothing we can do. You have food poisoning. So...basically, I went through this experience for nothing. Not even a prescription. For food poisoning. Nice, right? And I couldn't go pee for about 24 hours afterward, and that scared the shit out of me...but all is well in the end.

LOVE!

Courtney

A new friend...

2007-09-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

(Mike's VERY tall)
Mike: This sidewalk makes me so nervous...every time one of those buses zooms by, I think the rear-view mirror is going to hit me in the head and knock me out.

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Libby: Aren't they supposed to teach you stuff like how to tell what time it is by the sun in boy scouts?
Mike: Yes, but I forgot all that kind of stuff...but ooh! Here's something interesting! Did you know that the moss on a tree grows on the
Libby: north side, right? But only in the Northern hemisphere which I think is sort of interesting.
Mike: Next time, can you just say that "That's the coolest thing I've ever heard! You're SOOOOO smart!"?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(We're having car trouble...the wheels keep spinning without us moving anywhere. Libby is outside seeing if the car is caught on something.)
Mike: Wait, now see if this works.
(the car works beautifully)
Libby: Ohmygoodness! That's awesome! What did you do?
Mike: I did this thing called turning off the parking break.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(On tattoos)
Mike: The problem is I really like Native American art, but I don't want to be one of those tools who appropriates other people's cultures. I guess I'll have to get something German. Like a swastika.
Libby: Or a beer stein!

Pulling a Hamlet.

2007-07-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Jeff Barba: Shakespeare is bringing me down for some reason. The show is set in 1930's gangster New York, and if I have to listen to another actor say his or her verse with a Brooklyn accent, I may have to like...pull a Hamlet or something.

Matt F-S: This talking point doesn't even deserve a talking point. It should be called talking pointless.

Mike: Drunk dials for democracy!
Mollie: Well…if that’s the direction you want to go…
Alex A: That’s the direction we’ve already been.

(Bradley Putnam’s giving his pitch during teledemocracy)
Megan: Whoa…who’s giving the Es?

Matt F-S (on global warming): Michigan is on it! There's a consortium. Canada's in on it.

Birthday time!

2007-06-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

Jake: Going forward just feels so much better in the left lane.

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Bob Stacey: Follow the Bob!

********************************************************

Amy: I still can't believe the revolution happened...but I'm trying to take my fall from power with dignity and grace

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Becky (on facebook): happy birthday libby! and may you wake up someplace more comfortable than on a water heater.

So, there's this bus...

2007-06-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

Fun from the Oregon Bus Project

Dan: The Oregon Church Van Project: Not left...not right...not forward...but up, to heaven.

************************************************************************************

Jefferson: Hackfest? I don't know what that means, but I'm down.

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Jefferson: Where's the pizza? I need an ETA.
Libby: Well...she's kinda uh lost...uh...
(Jefferson looks appalled)
Libby: 10 minutes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Jake: Brunch is REALLY European.
Libby: Wait, you don't have brunch at your college?
Jake: No, we call it LUNCH because we're in America.
Libby: You're like the most xenophobic person EVER.

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Jefferson: We're holding hands in our brains.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Alex B.: Dan needs to stop talking about his organizer past and start focusing on his present.

Betho's Graduation

2007-05-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Notice the wine...the stick...and the random car seat we're sitting on! Fun times!

A Whole Semester's Worth of Goodness

2007-05-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

Okay..I've been putting off this precious blog for far too long! I've been writing down as much as ever, but these are the only snippets that have survived my messy house.

**********
(at our fancy Christmas Eve Dinner)
Waiter: What kind of gin would you like?
Mom: Whatever is the cheapest.
Bethy: Tacky LOVES that!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A: That was the first thing out of my mouth...how handsome you were!
David Parsons: That was just the beard.
A: Nope. I didn't have a beer. Just margaritas!

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Caroline: I have to write so much this weekend...but probably having my muse around will spark the creative process.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A: We have a special relationship.
Brian Pick: Yeah...we're Like Brother and sister...but sexual.
Melissa: more like creepy cousins then.

*******************
(At the drag show at gay bingo intermission)
Brian Pick: Holy Gay Dallas! It doesn't get much gayer than this!
Brien Bell: What would your dad say if he was here?

...

Brien Bell: And you know what's hilarious...this IS gay culture! Those four straight women over there...they think this is what gay people do!

))))))))))))))))))))))
(about graduation...I lost my other graduation weekend blog notes...help me find them PLEASE!)

B: Tomorrow's going to be SO debaucherous!
Mom: That's what I always say.

Alice & Freddy's favorite photo

2007-05-20T10:55:00.001-07:00

They say I make this face when I see a cute fat kid

2007-05-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Ecuador Vista Point

2007-05-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

WAY too late...the End of Ecuador (Banks3 Dream Trip Part II)

2007-05-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

A: God! I thought that fire hydrant was a stray dog, and I almost had a heart attack!!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

B: Is this rude?
C: Yes. Tacky and Rude.
A: You often play the role of Miss Manners
B: Well...that's because I feel like I'm the most well-mannered of All.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

B: Tacky loves that. Wait

%%%%%%%%%%%%

C: Did they have any snacks next door?
A: Only nasty ones.
C: Did you get any?
A: No.
C: SO...that means they REALLY didn't have ANY snacks

################

(Singing Shakira)
C: Oooh baby when you talk like that!
B: (equally shakira-like) Like WHAT?!

*******************

B: I'm so excited about going to Quito tomorrow.
C: Me too! I'm ready to shake the dust of this small town off of my feet.

%%%%%%%%%%%%

B (With the thickest accent EVER): Daddy says I'm just sewing my wild oats...but momma says they should be just about sewn!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A: We might as well play! What have we go to lose?
C: Our dignity.

%%%%%%%%%%%%

A: I haven't had a whole candy bar in ages...
B: I have one every week.
A: Really?!
B: Yeah - or a package of Ding-Dongs
C: Or Ho HO's?!

********************

(CJ sings a hymn)
B: Have you been attending a mega church?
C: NO! I just watch the commercials

A little more Ecuador

2007-01-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

A: What time is lunch?
Rafting Guide: Why? Are you hungry?
A: NO. I just like to know what's coming.
(guide pushes amy into the river with his paddle)
Guide: That's what is coming!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

(immediately after, Bethy gets pushed in)
B: Jesus! I was just trying to help!!

#######################

B: Doesn't it make you feel good to think that we chose the same place as all those guys that have been everywhere?!
C: Maybe it was just dumb luck!
A: Remember what my charm from Auntie is...
B: Yeah...unfortunate accidents
C: No...unexpected miracles dumbass

%%%%%%%%%%

B: I never pay for anything.
C: Yeah. You are just going to owe us both a heck of a lot when we get home.
B: It's going to make my tummy hurt.

==================

B: Ven conmigo a cerveza-land.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""

B: I feel like I have pushed boundaries today.

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(Bethy rambling non-stop)
A: What is she talking about?
C: Oh...now she's just singing a Jewish song.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

C: Amy! You're being an ugly American
(then Ecuadorian lady starts singing 3 times as loud as Amy was)
C: And so is she.

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A: How many times have we heard Don{t worry be happy?!?!
B: I'm about to worry.

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C: Who is that person?
A: Elizabeth says that it is the Virgin Mary but she refuses to take a picture of her.
C: I dont think that is the Virgin Mary!! She is carrying a doll!!!
A: It's Jesus.

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B: I used to fall off because I didn't have upper-body strength...but now I'm cut like marble.

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B: You're going to get that disease! Wait...I don't mean it...that was just a scare tactic!!

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

A: Do you want to be [B] or [E] on the blog?
B: Welll...it doesn't really matter...most of my friends would call me [L] for Libby.
A: In our family, L means...
B: LOSER!
C: Lesbian Beth. It means Lesbian.

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A: I'm glad you brought your camera because people would never believe our tent! I don't know why I keep calling it a tent...It's really a CABANA!

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B: It's going to be fun to see what people sell...and they're all going to try to sell to us because we are the RICAS!

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C: It was nice, but I'm...How do you say?!...Scared of Jellyfish.

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A: Just give me a second...I'm trying to put your quote on the blog.
B: I'm just like Dad...I want to be the star of the blog!

cute and funny emails!!

2007-01-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

From Dad:

Girls--Your Momma was discussing the kind of shape you left your rooms in and was giving me accusatory looks. I said I guess this is a good argument that genetics is stronger than the influence of a same sex role model. Your Momma quickly agreed; stating that you were all messy because of me. I responded that meant you were all smart and pretty because of me. Your Momma says that you are smart and pretty due to your same sex role model. I need some help with this. Any rational and cognizant comments would be appreciated. Love, DADDY

And an email poem From Caroline:

Amy, like flowers.
Always elegant, always
A pleasant surprise.

Bethy, noble, kind.
On the road, headed places.
She’s cute when dirty.

Courtney, (not Shortney!).
Tall in spirit, huge smile.
Massive in appeal.

Let´s get it started...hot!

2006-12-28T14:03:00.000-08:00

Dad: You know what that is...TIME DELAY!!!

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Mom: The worst was that time when dad was so drunk that we couldn´t find the car. So there I was at the circus, with a four year old, an infant, and 8 months pregnant!!

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A: Has anything happened that we should write down for the blog?
C: NOTHING fun has happened today!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: THat was LBJs favorite beer, too.
Bethy: THe most underrated president and the most underrated banks sister.

////////////////

A: Should I put that down?
B & C together: NO! It´s mean
B: We don´t write down mean stuff.
C: Then Courtney´s never going to get on the blog.

)))))))))))))))))

(Rafting guide pushes Amy in the water, then pushes bethy while she´s trying to lift amy into the raft)
B: Why?! I was just trying to help!!!

·································

(out of boat)
C: Oh man! I´ve got sea legs!!

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C: I feel like I´m in star trek when I wear this outfit!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

C: How do you spell monkeys?
A: I do NOT know.

Holiday Hotness

2006-11-26T15:31:00.000-08:00

Too Too Long

2006-11-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

Amy: Do you want me to drive you home?
Barbie: I don't know where I'm going next...but it isn't home.

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Barbie: I'm not going to talk to my younger cousins...they were never there for me when I was drunk at the Chicken.

########################

Mom: It was touching me WAY too much!
Linda: (to Dad) Does she say that to you?
Dad: She just talks a LOT.

**************************

Linda: God! It looks like a pharmacy!
Mom: Yeah...We've got some sick people here.

*************************

Mom: You wouldn't believe the traffic in California! It was wild!
Green: You want to see crazy traffic...sit out front of the physician's center in your wheelchair and wait for the van to come.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(about some random stranger)
Mom: She's mean.
Amy: She's hateful.
Mom: She's eating her doll. And now she's yelling "tattle teller" because she's such a little shit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bethy: How old do we have to be before we can stop doing the christmas card?
Mom: This year! I'll just tell everyone that Bethy had a giant hickey on her neck.

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Amy: How do you spell hickey?
Bethy: with an E-Y- I think.
Amy: Okay...how about neck? With a K?

##################

Bethy: Momma would NEVER call me a slut.
Mom: Well...I wouldn't go that far.

*********************
Caroline: Well...I've got a paper to write, but I'm thinking that having my muse around will spark the creative juices!

Festival Fun

2006-09-20T17:08:00.001-07:00

Lora: You used to give me SUCH a hard time!
Amy: Just once.
Lora: Once is enough to make you a hypocrite.

******************************

Amy: Aw fuck! Why can't I play that?
Courtney: Because you have no musical ability.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(van morrison)
Lora: I can't believe it! I thought he would be dead before I saw him in concert.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Courtney: She was wanting to be Mollege Bation, but...
Amy: She wasn't! Just tacky and rude.
Courtney: Yeah - I wanted to throw something at her, but I didn't.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Courtney: I'm SO happy!
Lora and Lindy: Me too! Me too!
Courtney: You don't understand...I didn't know I could be this happy for someone else.

Bethy's so wise...

2006-09-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

I learn a lot from Bethy's blog....today I learned that I want to do my own Johari Window. I'd never seen one before, but it's quite exciting...you just go to this place and pick a few words that you think describe me and then we get to see where our ideas overlap!...AND then you can do your own! Go ahead...boost my self-confidence!
Fun!
Love!
Exclamation marks!!
AMY

http://kevan.org/johari?name=amybanks628

Cute

2006-09-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

Sisters listening to music...if only there was a Bethy in this picture!!

crazy juice

2006-08-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

(Our first television show)
Caroline: Let's get silly with Caroline and Amy! Today's guests...Green and Matthew.

#################################

Caroline: I told you I wanted the New Yorker, and now I enjoy that.
Amy: I told you I wanted a birthday present, and now I wait patiently.

Back in Business

2006-08-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in FOREVER! Part of the reason is that I've been AWFUL about this is that I haven't been writing very much down. Ahh! Special thanks to my faithful readers for yelling at me all the damn time about updating (I know they only check it because they want to see how funny they are!).

**************************

Joseph: Weren't there six of these? Where did they go, Amy?!
Amy: Stop. That makes me sound fat.
Lora: No...
Joseph: It makes you sound like a giant eggroll pig!

####################

Charis: Mmmm. Yummmm!! Bloody Mary's and bologne!!
Karlee: You are SO white trash right now.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(stranger walks into movie theater with her arms FULL of tons of food)
Caroline (yelling): Get it girl!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Caroline: I guess I'll just take a taxi if you can't pick me up.
Amy: You can take the Super Shuttle.
Caroline: Listen. I'll decide if the shuttle is super.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Interesting note: Kristy gets the giggles anytime anybody says "wooly mammoth" and Charis has a ridiculous amount of information about that animal, leading Karlee to yell, "When did you become Bill Nye?"

************************
Natalie: Have you seen his kids?
Amy: No...but I bet they're UGLY!
Natalie: Yeah...but with curly hair. I want a kid with big curly hair.
Jessa: Yeah...kind of
Natalie: Kind of a LOT!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Dad (about mom being feisty like Green): It's my mom's fault. It's all that Freud shit...which is good because if you ever get into guys, you're likely to find somebody like me that's really good looking with great bullshit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CJ: He used to be a Whitelighter.
A: What does that mean.
Dad: Maybe that he's a dim bulb.

******************

Mom: That lady didn't pay enough money for her wig!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Mom: I've never been a dancer. Ask Dad.
Dad: She only did that when she was young and drunk and trying to pick up guys.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(Mom, Dad, Courty, and I went to a VERY county dance in Madisonville for a work friend's birthday.)
Junior (Daylia's husband): There's going to be a lot of tight jeans and wrinkles tonight!

*********************

Random man to Leslie: You look better 'er damn time I see you...and I haven't even had my Jack Daniels yet tonight! (then he grabbed her ass)

Typical

2006-08-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Amy and Caroline

Ha

2006-08-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

You know it's a good party when somebody has to turn off the porch light

2006-08-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Andy and Charis...living the dream and tapping the keg!

Game On!

2006-08-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

Dad's a ping-pong Genius! I can't wait for the Caroline/Dad Rematch...talk about a great game!

Shake it!

2006-08-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

Amy and Jessica...DANCE!!

Wise words

2006-08-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

Karlee: You can't take the hat off a dead animal!

Birthday Fun1

2006-08-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

Best Birthday Party EVER! Flippy Cup is a very serious sport

Good times in the Homeland.!

2006-06-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dad: Of all my daughters, the one that's most likely to plug someone is you, Amy
Courtney: Dad! I take offense!
Dad: well...okay...maybe you. But Bethy...she's more of a sword person.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(Courtney attacks Amy while yelling "bitch or bitchier?! bitch or bitchier?!!?!?!")
C: Laugh! I tickled you, damnit!!

*****************************

C: Amy's in charge! It's her party.
Dad: I'm in charge! I'm the kegmaster.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(go into bar, everybody is getting ID checks)
Ernest: Mine's on a stone tablet..is that okay?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Charis: There are three drawers in Karlee's house that I haven't gone through yet.

************************

Charis (About the pasties she's wearing): I bought the black ones because they were three dollars cheaper.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ernest: So...it seems like a pasty is really just a titty hat...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ernest: There was this one time at the zoo..at this penguin exhibit...I needed a penis pasty.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(about her tattoo)
Charis: I got it in a Winnebago at a Harley Rally.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: I could sell this Adderall.
Courtney: I could sell my Seroquel.
Bethy: Yeah..but you probably shouldn't get into drug dealing...our family has enough on our plates.

Dirty girls

2006-06-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

Mom: Did you see how she was dressed today?
Bethy: Yes! She was cute!
CJ: I was cute...but I was WAY over-dressed! That's why I had to go buy two new pairs of shoes!

********************************
CJ: Look at these shorts! They say "No boys allowed!"
Bethy: Amy should wear them.

########################

Mom: She had something all over all of her clothes.
CJ: Maybe sweat?
Mom: No! Vomit. There was just tons of vomit on all of her dirty clothes. She tries to say that it was cheese.
Bethy: It was! There was queso on some pants.
Mom: Disgusting. I'm going to call you Vomit Banks.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(watching National Spelling Bee)
Mom: I guarantee you these kids never get drink too much and get sick on their clothes.

***************************

Mom: Huh! I remember that little nerd from last year.

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Dad: Why do you all keep saying "Shave your ass" over and over again?

#######################

2006-05-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

Gorgeous Frio River!

Takin' it to the river

2006-05-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

(Mom hates the show, Charmed...but it's SO fun when we make her talk about it)
Mom: Whitelighter? Hmm...I bet I have my own.
CJ: I'm sure you do.
Mom: But I bet I don't call him a whitelighter.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: Hey dad! What are you up to in here all alone?
Dad: Just watching my show about the Charmed ones.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Caroline: Perry went to a girl's birthday party yesterday, threw cake in her face, and made the birthday girl cry!!
Girl sitting super close to all at the table: Um...yeah...that was me.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Amy: what other funny stuff has been said lately?
Bethy: Well...I've been a laugh a minute!!

There ARE some days when I don't hate my job...

2006-05-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

Deborah (another Probation Officer): Hmmm...Do you ever just look at him like he could be a GREAT sex offender?

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Deborah: He wants to be a preacher.
Darrin: So...this guy's either going to be a sex offender or a preacher?
Karlee: He's not a Catholic I hope...Oh...sorry...so sorry...that slipped out.

##############################

Karlee: You can't hide crazy.
Deborah: You can't hide crazy...and you sure can't hide ugly.

############################

Amy (to defendant): If you don't know her name, she's NOT your girlfriend!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Deborah: He's not a bad looking guy.
Amy: Yeah...his mom's not that ugly when she's got her teeth in

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Big, nasty, oxygen-wearing, MHMR-going, Defendant: Amy...come on, get mad at me! I'll bet you're so cute when you get mad!

**************************************

Defendant: I swear! The only drugs I use are the ones Karlee gives me.

Betho Redux

2006-05-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Mom: Go get the dirty clothes.
Bethy: Well...what about the Vegas birthday
Mom: I'm not taking anybody to Vegas that's a PIG!!
Bethy: Mom....you and I are going to TRASH that hotel room...when we come back raging drunk with the strippers!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Bethy: You know...the thing about me is, I never smell bad.
CJ: Me neither.
Amy: Court!
CJ: Well...my body always smells fresh...even when I don't bathe for a while.
Bethy: Yeah! Me too!
CJ: Maybe it runs in the family...a sister thing... Except for Amy, we don't really know about her...she bathes too much...you'd have to wait at least a couple of days to find out if you smell bad or not...well...maybe wait a week.

Lora's a Lawyer!!

2006-05-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

Joseph: You want a little update on my life?
Lora: Yes!
Amy: Uh huh!
Joseph: Well...there are tomatoes and artichokes growing in my garden.

################################3

Lora's dad: Anytime I think about negative, I think about trying to teach Lora to drive stick.
Lora: You were the negative one. You made me walk home.
Lora dad: Just across the street.
Lora: You were just mad because you spilled your beer.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Joseph: I had to stop doing all the push-ups and sit-ups because of my chromioclavicular disorder.

###############################3

A: I think I have a tapeworm.
J: that'd be GREAT!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(Joseph and Amy stuck in the back of the car)
Joseph: You are the most feeble young people I know. The three of you just staring at us.
Cassie: Nope. I wasn't looking at you.
A: Cassie wasn't even thinking about helping us.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy: I act like I'm the beer martyr and doing all the work...really I just stand here while Joseph pours and Lindy passes them out.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dan: My real dream was to get the...
Dan and Lindy: Shrunken OED!!!
Joseph: Everyone wants an OED. I love to read dictionaries and encyclopedias.
Lora: We didn't have encyclopedias when I was little
Lora dad: You didn't need them. You were too smart.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Joseph: Dad's gotten really funny when we hang up the phone. He says, 'god bless you' so I say "maybe"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Cassie: Is there really alcohol in this?!
Joseph: Yeah!
Cassie: I love it!!
JosephL Yeah! I find a way to feed our driver drinks.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora's mom: He just doesn't know when to quit!
Lora: being a stewardess?
Lora's mom: Honey...they don't call them stewardesses when they're males.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Lora Dad: Now we say stewarder instead of stewardess.
Lora: Or...steward.

**************************

Lora's Dad: I got tired of hearing her complain about her feet hurting.
Amy: Yeah...she does bitch a LOT!

#####################

Lora: I've got two extra summer dresses if anyone wants them.
Lora's dad: probably too short for me.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Lora: she's scary!
lora's mom: she is!
Lora: She likes it.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora: Have I really been that awful?
Everybody: no no no no!
Amy: well...a little bit...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Joseph: It's so different being around different vegetation.
Lora: you LOVE plants!
Lindy: Amy! write it down.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Cassie: You can't do the robot to hip hop!
Joseph: yes you can. Either that or African Dance...I know that too.

@@@@@@@@@@@

Joseph: I don't need extra insecurities cassie!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Joseph: She could be...
Amy: Well...anybody could be...
Joseph: Yeah...but she looks like she's open to being touched by female hands.

###############

Dan: You are en fuego!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Amy: I need a nap!
Joseph: Me too. right now!
Lora: this hot car feels so good!
Lindy: Yeah! It's napalicious!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(to Joseph)
Lora: Sometimes you say the wrong thing.

@@@@@@@@@@@

Joseph: You're a beautiful dancer.
Amy: You dance like Jesus sings.
Lora: do you hear Jesus sing?
Amy: "Aaaammmyyy! You're my favorite!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

Amy: Lindy! That was the biggest poor ever!
Cassie: You might as well have poured the whole glass in.

***********************

Amy: can you believe you're graduation from law school?
dan: Big fucking deal!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(Dean asks everyone that's a thread in the tapestry of graduates' lives to stand up...none of us move.)
Joseph: Im a thread! I'm a thread! I'm a thread!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora: Is my little cassie drinking wine?
Amy: She's getting crunk.

#################

(talking about getting a cat)
Usthma: I thought...I'm stuck with that until it dies...then I thouhgt...I know what guys feel like!

#################

(re: mom missing graduation)
Usthma: she said, I'll come home, we'll go shopping. and then I'm like "we're not that rich...it'd take a house in the Hamptons to make this okay."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Michelle: These pants are really low...if anyone makes pants any lower I'm going to have to...
Cassie: shave!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Joseph: You've never seen this music video?
cassie: I don't watch videos! I make my own!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Usthma: I can't dance. I'm sober.
Amy: Get over it. Everybody's sober.
Joseph: I'm not.
Amy: Yeah...me neither.

Food, fun, and babies on the way

2006-05-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

(re: Starbucks sponsorship of my new favorited movie, Akeela and The Bee)
Caroline: I'm really thrilled that Starbucks took an interest in the the ghetto youth.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Amy: what are ya'll fighting about?
Tricia: Doin' it.

############################

(T is pregnant, Rob is the proud papa)
Rob: I'm going to look at moy by and fight with my boy and do things with my boy...and...
Tricia: And what if it's a girl?
Rob: You don't know...all you had to do was lay there.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Karlee: My mom had me when she was thirty-eight and I'm fine.
Amy: Said the pothead lesbian.

#############################

Karlee: So...are you so scared of being on the blog that you don't want to talk anymore tonight?
Charis: Just refer to me as Mother Theresa.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Lora: AND... I discovered that they don't make designer jeans big enough to fit my body. It was horrible! I need a food nazi in my life!

####################################

Charis (Mother T): I really shouldn't hold kids when I'm that drunk.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karlee: I talk in my sleep. I say stuff like "chicken biscuit" and "Funnel cake"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Karlee: The nurse lady yelled "Oh my goodness" when I got on the scale...so fuck all ya'll.

#############################

Amy: Alice never wants to go to the bathroom outside. I mean...I don't blame her...me neither!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Important editor's note:
1) Jessica said two things Saturday night that must have been hilarious, but I was a little too fucked up to write them so I could read them...damnation!
2) Ernest (who made the classic comment about the food fighting in his stomach) no longer has a mullet!

College Station ROCKS! (Ha!)

2006-04-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

Something so tragic happened...I had the most incredible weekend (Caroline came to College Station!), but like a dumbass I didn't write anything down. SO many funny things happened...and the blog missed it. I do remember a tiny bit:

*******************************

Caroline: Your boss is hot!
Courtney: Your boss IS hot...and he's licking that guy!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I was with it enough to write down other good times earlier in the week:

Darin: I'd be really popular in a gay porn!

#######################

Karlee: Something was wrong with that girl...it was nasty...you could hear her breathe.
Amy: Well...you can hear me breathe!
Karlee: No...it's different. Your nose is melodious.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Darin: Could you please refer to me as Deonshae on the blog?

##########################

Bethy's Back! (briefly)

2006-04-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

Mom: Did you and Amy fight?
Courtney: No. I let Amy boss me around and tell me which clothes to buy.

************************************

A: Isn't it fun living at home!
B: If I move home, I too could have all of this.
Mom: If you move home, I'm moving out.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(still talking about finding a church)
B: What about that one that's diagonal from the high school...you know...the one where Amy and I went to two-school?
M: Friends Church.
B: They're real queer friendly.
A: They're really gay.
C: Mom sent Amy and Bethy to a queer two-school?! It all makes sense.

Nekkid goodness?!

2006-04-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

(Jessica's getting ready to get in the shower, D is outside the door...)
Darin: I can hear you Nekkid!

###############################
(upon learning that Jessica and Karlee are together)
Darin: Well...that doens't mean you won't need a walking stick every now and then.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Karlee (running from kitchen): Ooooh! You need paper?! Here!!
Jessica (in her Karlee voice): You can use THAT to quote me!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Karlee: That girl had gained so much weight that I didn't recognizer her...she'd gained like 85 pounds. Shit! She'd gained a Tricia!

2006-04-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

My Texas Boys!

2006-04-03T15:16:00.001-07:00

Gorgeous drunk momma!

2006-04-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

Karlee and Jessica are Hot and Happy!

Yep

2006-03-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

Amy: Look!! I'm shapely!
Karlee: No you're not. You're drunk.

###########################

Amy: You're madly in love with me and my nose whistle. Face it!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Kristen: She wants me to go BUY my bridesmaid dress tomorrow...and the wedding is over a year away.
Amy: Holy fuck!
Kris: yeah...I'm from the midwest...and I'm gay. We don't do that shit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amy: I saw Patricia this morning...she might be nuts.
Mom: Yeah...she's the craziest of the crazies. She's just might be full-tilt bozo!

********************************************

Amy: I hoped you kicked a little Spanish-test Ass!
Caroline: It was more like a pat on the ass before it kicked mine.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

2006-03-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

Napa Lovin'

Big Time Bay

2006-03-20T19:49:00.000-08:00

Brien: Only .4 miles
Brian: Not that far!
Amy: Yeah! Go get it, math!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Caroline: Did you roll in poison ivy?
Brian: No.
Caroline: Regular ivy?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Caroline: Hey Brien, you want to go do it on that tractor?

##########################

Melissa: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are supposed to get married this weekend?
Amy: Huh. What will they do now, staple themselves together?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Caroline (wine tasting): Double gold? Is that like the triple axel?

#########################

Caroline (still wine): Oh fuck! I forgot my beer bong!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
(Amy and Caroline in St. James park (a homeless haven)...we missed our flights so we've got bags stacked around us like a fortress...neither of us are especially clean)

Man: Hi! There's a hot lunch three blocks over if you guys want to join us.
...........
Amy: That was sweet...we were just talking about food.
Caroline: Amy! He thought we were homeless!!

2006-02-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

Caroline: I guess it's like 90% straight with a 10% chance of queer.
#################################
(Up on Cripple Creek comes on as we pull into Lake Charles, Louisiana(

Dad: Yes! Allllllright! My life has a soundtrack.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad: So...Courtney...what's your functional equivalent of gold pants?

###############################

Amy: the church is just a few blocks from our house.
Caroline: Perfect! You can walk there on Shabbat.

##################################
Mom: Well...now I know that I'm not Episcopal.
Dad: Yeah...and I know I'm not Baptist. I mean, I guess I could get really intolerant, turn into a bigot, and be a giant hypocrite, but I'm not into that.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Caroline: Hey!
Amy: Woohoo!
Caroline: Remember me?
Amy: Do I ever!
Caroline: Well...your blog sure didn't

******************************************

(after eating everything...including some tin roof icecream..he has a SUPER big Texas accent)
Ernest: The Tin Roof has the hamburger in a headlock in my stomach. The pistachios are just sittin' on the sidelines bein' the spectators.

####################################

Bethy: So what's the latest on law schools?
Amy: I still haven't heard.
Bethy: Oh.
Amy: Yeah...I'm thinking of becoming an Avon Lady.
Bethy: It doesn't have to be this way!

#################################

Tejas visitor

2006-02-22T19:46:00.000-08:00

Mom: We're going to throw a party at our house.
Leslie: Will it be an afternoon tea.
Mom: No! It will be a night time drunk!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Amy: Oh! What are we going to do if worse comes to worse?!...huh...I guess it just won't.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(flashing white light on the top of a school bus)
Amy: Jesus. Those lights make me want to seize out.
Melissa: I've never seen those before. Why are they there?
Amy: So no one will land on the children.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy: I really want to go tubing!
Joseph: Me too!! It's my favorite way to drink!
Reno: And by drink...you mean...."enjoy summer?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Reno: I've got this bitsy basil plant I'd really like to save from the ground.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(Watching horrid string trick at Juggling show)
Melissa: This is my idea of purgatory.
Amy: When you talk about your trip to Texas, no one needs to know about this.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Melissa: You must be your own lucky star...a lone star.
Amy: Do you think that all of that LWord, Gold Star, stuff is real? I mean...are there really people out there who ONLY sleep with men or ONLY sleep with women?
Melissa: Uh. Yeah...me.

***************************

Melissa: Would you have the boys be sperm donors...and if so, which?
Amy: BBell for me, BPick for her.
Melissa: Well...I hope you would consult me before Brian Pick donates to anyone's womb.

#####################

Melissa: Woah! What's he doing?
Amy: Oh! He's an aggie. He's building a bonfire.
Melissa: Oh. I saw that ax. I thought it was a penis coming out of the back of his pants.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa: I don't have a life. I just have on-demand cable.
Amy: I don't even have that.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(Preppy white man passes car, he's wearing a polo shirt...super-harmless)
Amy: Lock the doors!!
Melissa: I like that. I think your mom would be proud of that.
Amy: She would. Mommy doesn't discriminate.

non-native speakers

2006-02-16T04:48:00.000-08:00

Amy: what happens when planes don't go?
Caroline: People stay.

##############################

(trying FOREVER to find new screensaver)
Caroline: OH! I know what I like!! Pop Culture!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(about horrible roommate...there's a hole in the ceiling, so it feels like she's always in the same room)
Amy: What the fuck? Is English her second language?
Caroline: Who knows! She'll never tell anyone where she's really from.
Amy: She likes the stupidist shit.

***********************************

Amy: Come here.
Caroline: Uh. You don't want what's in my mouth. It came from my body.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(at work meeting about defendants...a bunch of probation officers and mental health caseworkers)
Officer 1: Look...I appreciate your input but you need to keep it to a minimum and close your damn mouth.
Amy: Woah...she told you to shut the hell up.
Caseworker 1: Who did what to the chicken?

################################

Officer 2: He's obsessed with his mom. Get him off that titty!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Officer 2: Who want to lay with him...dusty, dirty, funky, nasty ass.

The Latest

2006-02-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Editor's Note: I would like to apologize for misquoting Ms. Caroline Berler in this entry. Her words are not written here verbatim...that's what happens when I don't write shit down. Damn!

Caroline (in the creepiest, deepest voice ever): So...I've read your blog, Amy.
Amy: woah. really?
Caroline: I don't think my humor has been accurately represented. I mean...we talk all the time and I'm not there.
Amy: well...I really try to focus on the words of my primary readers and until now you haven't been one.
Caroline: Don't you think your numbers would jump if you put up some of the funny stuff I say? I don't want to see anything about this conversation on the internet. Pretend it never happened.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad: Hmm...you know...this place really reminds me of a restaurant that might be on Days of our Lives.

******************************************
(there has been a giant courthouse sex scandal between a lady attorney and several judges...causing quite the stir!)
Dad: Richard and I are going to start sending eachother sexy emails. Brokeback Courthouse.
Mom: NO! Ha! Don't kid! We don't want anyone in the news for being queer.

##################################

Prancin' around Probation and goodness from the homestead

2006-01-27T09:03:00.000-08:00

Dad: Sure...I'll go pick it up...I just need you to give me a little money, honey.
Mom: You don't need money...you just sign for it and charge it to the law office.
Dad: Damn! I'm that big a deal?

*******************************************

(at work...staffing cases with the people from Mental Health Mental Retardation and our supervisors...Karlee works with MHMR)
Amy: yeah. yeah...he's doing fine. He just smells like ass.
Karlee: I'm gonna put that right into his file.

################################

Debra (another probation officer): If that bitch puts her makeup on in the dark one more time....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Karlee: So...he went and turned himself into jail and he had a big ole baggie of weed in his pocket.
Amy: Awesome...guy's a rocket scientist!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(guy tells about all the problems with a program at MHMR)
Karlee: So...in your experience...would it be just a big, huge cluster fuck to refer him right now?

###############################

Amy: He always comes to the door in sponge bob boxers.
Karlee: yeah...and all I can think is "Jesus! Sponge Bob's nose is really big right now!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Karlee: I held a donkey once. I really really like donkeys.
Darrin (her boss): Hmmm...I bet donkey smells like ass.

##############################

Amy: You'll never believe!! **** is dating a woman! Our whole caseload is full of big, ugly lesbians. Do you think somebody's doing that on purpose?
Karlee: No...I think there's something in the water! And...if you're big, ugly, dykey and crazy...you want to come to Karlee and Amy. Shit! I'm going to go home and thank Jessica for not being a big, ugly lesbian.

Mexico madness and some extra goodness

2006-01-09T09:34:00.000-08:00

Mich: I hope that bitch dates a big old fag and he leaves her for a dude!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Kristen: I'm so proud of you in Spanish for taking a chance. So proud. SO spanish.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(Amy's defendant works at a nursing home)
Amy: Good morning! How are you?!
D: Well...I'm fine...I'm just tired of cleaning the booties...you know...it's bad enough just to have to clean my own!

******************************************

(Another Defendant on my mental health caseload with some BIG mental issues)
D: I really hate the full moon...let me tell you...we crazy friends just get WAY crazier!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Boy at gay boy frat party: (About Bethy) I'm really attracted to her...I really think it's hot when girls hang out with lesbians and look kind of like lesbians...but I can tell she might also be into cock. hot.

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Amy: Hmm..I might be a little tipsy.
Lora: Hmmm...I might be HAMMERED!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Bethy: I'm going to have two jobs next semester, Court.
CJ: Big Deal... Good for you. You're not bipolar.
Bethy: Yeah...but the doc says I'm hyper-vigilant
CJ: Woah.
Bethy: It just means I'm neurotic and I worry a lot.
Amy: Don't we all.
Bethy: Yeah...but hyper-vigilant makes me sound like a gladiator.

************************************

Amy: I really like her...I hope her life gets better.
Karlee: Yeah...maybe it will...she needs to be pregnant with that baby about like she needs an asshole on her elbow.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: I'm really hating MySpace.
Bethy: I think it's just a waste of my...space.

##############################

Caroline: You don't mind if I smoke in here?
Party hostess: No...just don't expect me to join in...I'm old and lame.
Caroline: Yeah...like Amy.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
(uber-sarcastic)
Mom: Good story Beth. You told it awesome.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Natalie: So...the thing about marriage is...after a while, you need something else to distract you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Peniel: Is that the wind?!
Natalie: No...it's Amy's nose whistle.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isaac: You want me to show you a manly lesbian?! I can show you some manly lesbians...in a place called Mexico!

###########################

Natalie: Isaac doesn't like our singing.
Amy: We're just rejoicing!
(singing Hark the Harold Angels...sounding like angels)
Amy: Aye! I found my badge!
Natalie: It's because we were singing about Jesus.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Natalie: A woman without collar bones is like swiss cheese without the holes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amy: what the hell is that?!
Isaac: Oh...it's just a pyramid.
Amy: Woah...I spaced out...are we in egypt!?!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
(mexico decorations)
Amy: Hmm...they're very liberal with the tinsel.

________________________

Natalie: Oh I can eat me some corn tortillas...I can eat the heck out of them!

#########################

Amy: What are you doing?!
Isaac: I'm looking for a treasure.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Natalie: you know...some of these houses have a real funk to them.

*****************************

Melissa: I'm gonna get a hunger pain and it's going to fuck you up.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Isaac: Pass me that gun and that coke.
Amy: Suddenly I feel like we're in Colombia instead of Mexico.

huzzah holidays part 3

2005-12-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

Dad: Now...about those fiber optics...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Bethy: this is just the perfect kind of day. The kind of day when you don't need heat or air conditioning. This is the kind of day that I enjoy quite frequently back at school.

##########################

Bethy: Okay everybody...I'm going to go to sleep so that I can wake up and eat.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

More Holiday Happiness

2005-12-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

(live band playing at crazy fancy restaurant)
Mom: (yelling) That's my SONG!!
CJ: What's your song?
Mom: (dancing a little) ooooh! The girl from Ipanema!

****************************************************************

Leslie: There are some people that make me just want to go in a corner and jack-off.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One of Amy's defendants at probation: Well Hot damn!!...fucking A!!....I came to probation and I got a giant ham! I feel like I fucking walked into the damned north pole!"

*****************************************************

A: Ooooh! Tonight's Tuesday! That means another episode of Commander in Chief.
Bethy: I've never seen that show. Is it really as good as they say?
Mom: It's reaaaaallllly lame Beth.
Amy: NO...it's great.
Courtney: It's gooood.
Mom: No...it's so lame. so so so lame. Her husband's a weenie. Her daughter's a bitch...lame lame lame.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Mom: Amy gave away 29 hams today, dad.
Dad: Ain't nobody give out hams like Amy.

########################################

Amy: Dad...I might have poored you too much wine.
Dad: No such thing.
Amy: okay! Anybody else, Bethy? Courtney?
Mom: Courtney probably shouldn't have wine with her meds.
Amy: Yeah...that's what I told Tiffany today about cocaine and her meds.
Mom: That will kill her. It just killed one on the way Austin State Hospital the other day.
Amy: Yeah...she was on the A.C.T. team.
Mom: the act team...oh that was one of Darin's
Amy: Yeah...Karlee was upset.
Mom: Oooooh...cause her baaaaby got one kiiiiilllled.

#######################################

Mom: (pretending to be Alice) I don't know grandma. I go poopin in your house all the time. I go teetee in your house all the time. And you still love me!
(hears typing)
Mom: What are you writing amy? what are you writing amy?
Dad: What do you care? It's just making you more popular! It just makes you larger than life. I just wish I had that kind publicity.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Bethy: I used to drink every day of the week, but I stopped...well...momma told me to stop.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Amy: Uh...you have something in your nose.
Bethy: Yeah. It's a bugger.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

5 alive!! Banks family reunites!

2005-12-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

Mom (to three year old visitor): Do you see baby Jesus?!!?! Baby Jesus is holding his hands up saying, "Yeah!!" He's happy to be here!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Amy: Jesus hates that.
CJ: When you have real kids you can't say that.
Amy: Yeah...I guess that might fuck them up...it doesn't even always feel good to say that.
Mom: It's really wrong. I think it might be worse than the g-word.
Amy: G-word?
Bethy: What?
Courtney: There's no g-word.
Mom: Yes! G-dammit!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Bethy: Oh my god! Alice is trying to eat baby Jesus!
Mom: She would never do that! She just wants that little bit of food.
Bethy: Uh...mom...
Mom: Oh shit! She is goin' for the Jesus!

*******************************************

Amy: enough. I'm going to throw-up.
Courtney: I really don't want to talk about this anymore. After January 8th you can talk about it all you want, but until then, keep it down.
Mom: Okay...we can't talk about it until she goes.
Bethy: Now we call my body "it!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CJ:Good thing I can't drink on my meds. Then I'd be big as a house
Bethy:You'll have to smoke a lot of weed.
CJ:Don't you remember how that makes me skeeze out
Mom:It makes it worse you dumbass
Bethy:So...uh...what kind of substances will you be using?

###############################

Bethy:You know...I have a lot lower substance use than last year.
Mom: Bethy! Don't talk anymore! Shut uuuuppp!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

really really Bethlehem

2005-12-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

(at a Christmas festival...there was an area called Bethlehem where they stored the baby Jesus)
Natalie: We can go wherever you want as long as we don't cross that bridge and go to Bethlehem.
Isaac: Bethlehem is scary. It's really really scary in Bethlehem!

**********************************************

Isaac: Natalie's really really lucky with Nutria.

################################

Natalie: Ah! All of the food will be gone by the time we get back from Bethlehem...and I think Jesus will have come back.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Amy: (to Alice) Momma loves you more than anyone has ever loved a dog.
Dad: You didn't know me and pooh.

Madison and Josh...the latest blog stars!!

2005-11-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

Madison: No Josh if they are all wrapped they are from mamma/daddy if they are not wrapped they are from Santa

Josh: Well.... what will be yours and what will be mine?

Madison: Josh... *heavy sigh* if it is girl stuff then it's mine, if it is boys stuff it's yours.

Josh: Oh I got it. but how does he make the fireplace bigger to get his big belly in and his reindeer?

Madison: He's magical, but the reindeer stay OUTSIDE not INSIDE. Now get up under the christmas and watch me ice skate and dance. You stay out of my way.

Josh: Okay Madison.

*********************************************************

Josh: mamma can I tell you something?

Missy: sure Josh. Use all those words you know.

Josh: Well.... can I tell you something?

Missy: I said yes. Tell me. What do you know? Show me all those words

Josh: Mom.... can I please tell you something?

Missy: No

Josh: okay, I will just go tell paw paw.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(mom plays solitare online against a jerk from Finland)
Courtney: I could probably take you.
Mom: Huh! Only the guy from Finland could kick my ass.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Caroline: I could beat up most of my family.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Caroline (about Matthew Berler): He's really popular with the 45-80 crowd.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
(Amy flexes again.)
Mom : This is a big deal. She's never had a muscle in her life.

###################################

Caroline: I take some medicine for excema.
Courtney: Bethy needs that.
Mom: No...not if she's getting naked everywhere.
Dad: Well...as long as she doesn't have the heartbreak of psoriasis.

###################################

Josh: (after working super hard to decorate the christmas tree) mamma... I really like our tree this year, we did it didn't we? Me and Madison and You put the star on top, aren't the lights very pretty?

Missy: yes Josh. You did do it. You worked on it so hard. Mamma is very very proud of you, you and sis did a fine fine job. The lights are very pretty, do you like the ones that have lots of color or just white?

Josh: lots of color.

Missy: me too.

Josh: mamma I think the tree is so pretty I should just sleep under it tonight. I will be very careful and not move at all, okay?

##########################################

Amy: Where's my dog?
Mom: I don't know...I just found a place where she went teetee.
Dad: Let's trade her in.
Mom: She just thinks this whole house is her potty. Damn good thing we got 4000 square feet for a five pound dog to shit and pee all over.

Turkey day!

2005-11-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

Mom: You have to eat little bitty pieces.
CJ: I can't believe we're sneak eating this pie...fat kids.
Mom: Little bitty piece.
Amy: I'll take whatever size Dad gets.
Dad: Yeah...I'll take about a third of that pie.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mom: Can you believe Barbie drives a Weinie Wagon? Every time I say it I laugh. It sounds so nasty...Dad, when you are talking about a pervert don't you sometimes call them a Weinie Wagger?
Dad: Why yes...in fact I'm representing a young man who is accused of being a weinie wagger.
Mom: Yeah. I just keep thinking that everybody's really proud that Barbie's got a new great job with a Weinie Wagger. Typical.

Courtney's on a roll

2005-11-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

CJ: You cut your hand on that thing?! I'm telling you...it's a menace!!

******************************************
Mom: You say you're going to help and then you hide in your room.
Amy: I took a page from these two (points to Dad and then to Bethy's empty chair)
CJ: This one's the brightest crayon in the box. Just look at her!!! oh wait...she's not here.

##############################

CJ: Mom!! We were supposed to leave at 4:00!
Amy: Yeah...no one is paying us for this time.
CJ: You're giving them what they want! You just sold 15 minutes of your life to The Man.

Nipples, friends, and fashion

2005-11-20T17:51:00.000-08:00

Mom: The good thing about going somewhere and looking real tacky is that they don't all swarm around me and try to help...although....that little guy at the furniture store was just about to have an orgasm he was so excited!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Caroline: These little Asian people at the festival forced me to get a massage and then they wouldn't stop rubbing my butt.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Aunt Gladys (age 90): Oooh! What color pants should I wear with this?!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Natalie: Your hair IS darker.
Amy: YEah. It makes me feel sassy like my Natalie.
Natalie: I don't usually feel sassy...just a little snobby.

#################################

Natalie: I am SO not into the faux fur movement.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

guy at party: This bitch sucked out both of my nipple rings when I was giving her a lap dance
(he raised his shirt to prove it)

____________________

Casey #2 at party: That guy wouldn't know a naked cousin in a wheat field.

######################

Mom: Who was that lady waiving at me?
Amy: It was somebody's mom.
CJ: Yeah...Kelli?
Amy: Logan.
Mom: Well...I had no idea who she was, but she was waiving so big I figured she must be my friend...or just really really want to be.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

2005-11-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

Josh is ready to go!

2005-11-18T20:49:00.000-08:00

Madison takes after her cousins...she's a gorgeous lady that knows fashion!

2005-11-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

Precious Cousins: Courtney and Madison

Little funny cousins

2005-11-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

Josh (four years old): And then...we got to go down a big honkin' slide without buckling up!!!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(7 of us crammed into two car seats)
Mom: Well this is cozy.
Missy: Nobody poot.
Madison (first grade): jooossshhh...
Mom: Aaaammmmyyyyy...
Madison: No. Jooosssshhhh....

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Josh: Amy! I really like that marker!!!

####################################

Josh: I liked it, but it was just too pricey.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Madison: Can I tell you something? His mask scared the dogs.
Missy: And who else?
Madison: Me. One time...he hid in the dirty clothes!!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Courtney: (to mom) You know...you came in at the same time as my alarm went off, and all I wanted was to shut both of you up.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Courtney: Amy!!! Stop touching me!!
Amy: Mom...she has earwax build-up.
Courtney: You're invading my personal space. The fact that you can see my ear wax is proof.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(amy singing beautifully)
Courtney: Shut up!! Oh my God!! It's like we get in the car, and all bets are off. You think you can just be as loud as you want. Ahhhh!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Courtney: I only eat fish if it's fried.
Mom: That's not true.
Court: Yes it is...only fried catfish.
Mom: NO! You eat boiled shrimp.
Amy: OH mom!!! How many times...?
Court: It's not fish, momma.
Mom: Yes it is!!! It's served in every fish restaurant we eat at.
Court: We call it a SEAfood restaurant because they come from the sea. Shrimp are crustaceans.
Mom: Oooh! Use your big words!

*************************************

Another round of chemical imbalance.

2005-11-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

(Amy and Courtney are singing super loud...)
Mom: Oh! Why??!! Ahh!
Courtney: Mom...tell me...are you thinking self harm?
Mom: I'm thinking self harm and homicide.
Courtney: That's what they kept saying...are you thinking self harm? Do you have homicidal ideations? Self harm? homicidal ideations? I finally said...I really only have them when you ask me that damn question over and over.

***************************************

Amy: Courtney! I made a funny.
Courtney: Great.
Amy: I said, Dad eats so slow...he really takes it to the extreme...to the point of no return...until we're all thinking self harm.
Courtney: Yeah Ame. Good one.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Mom: I need to talk to you about Satellites.
Dad: I'm pretty nervous about Satellites...all that stuff the cable company said.
Mom: Honey they're big fat liars.
Dad: Well...I'm a big fat lawyer...so...

There are gays in Texas?!

2005-11-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

(pass billboard about Proposition 2..."Vote yes...see the truth and light."
Dad: Yeah...I voted NO! I would love the gays to marry. I'm tired of hearing about this constitutional ban.
Amy: Right on! Yes!
Dad: I mean...it's good for my business...the more people that get married...the more people get divorced.
Amy: I'm going to go vote right now. I love to vote. I'm not sure if I'm registered. I'm just going to go over there and look.
Dad: Well...if they won't let you vote, you really shouldn't cause a scene.
Amy: Thanks for the tip!

*******************************
Amy: Mom!!! I just voted!! I love to vote!!! I voted in favor of gay marriage!!
Mom: In Texas?! How did I miss that?!
Amy: Well...it isn't really going to matter because of the laws that they already have...their just trying to make a constitutional amendment to ban it and we can vote against it.
Mom: Well great.
Amy: I've voted FOR gay marriage in TWO states!!! Yes!!! How many little ladies from College Station can say that?!
Mom: You're one of a kind.

########################

Mom: I just called to tell you that I'm bored to tears. I'm sitting in my car, watching them dig a grave at a cemetary.

submit?!

2005-10-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

Mom: I almost killed that man today...he said that she had learned her lesson and that she was going to "submit to thine husband"
Dad: OH FUCK! Bullshit!!
Mom: I love you. That was the perfect thing to say.

Finding the Funny when a Family Member is Lost

2005-10-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

Today, my family and I said goodbye to a phenomenal friend and relative. Not too terribly long ago, I made horrible fun of friends who cried at the loss of a dog, and I teased my Momma for calling Suzie my sister. Now I realize that losing a dog truly is very much like losing a family member. Suzie lived with us for seventeen amazing years, and I feel like we were all incredibly lucky to have and love her. She will be greatly missed!! I am certain that she is running, playing, and lounging on some incredible leather couch in the sky.
AMY

2005-10-26T20:32:00.001-07:00

Regal Suzie

2005-10-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Suzie: The World's Best Aunt

2005-10-25T17:13:00.002-07:00

Amy, Natalie,Elizabeth, and Jessa (hot, but freezing in crazy Tejas weather!)

2005-10-25T17:13:00.001-07:00

Jessa takes the cake!

2005-10-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Natalie!!

Family Goodness

2005-10-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

A: Turn your brain on!
Mom: He doesn't have one...The pistons just aren't going to connect.

Dad: I’m just about to clean-up what is quite literally the nastiest shit ever…Suzie…I love you so much!!

Courtney: Daddy…you’ve earned the right to choose where we go to dinner.

Dad: Yeah…I did Potty Patrol. Quite frankly, I’d be perfectly happy to pass the cup next time.

Amy: I’m no meaner than my grandmother.

Green: That’s right darlin’…you’re just 100% sweet.

Amy: They call me Angel Amy.

Green: Of course…and I’m Angel Maurine.

Natalie Birthday: "It's a Runted Baby Bear" weekend

2005-10-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

Isaac: Look!!! It's a trailer!!!! There it is!!! The trailer!!
Natalie: Honey...it's called a train. God. We are from the country.

***************************

Amy: I kind of want a really big piece.
Natalie: That's kind of a really fat kid thing to say.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Natalie: Baby! You're putting your pee pee on Jessa's hand!!
Isaac: Ah!! I wasn't even thinking! That's not cool.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

(talking about long-lost high school loves)
Jessa: You know...bushy eyebrows, Dr. Pepper, Juicy Apples...
Natalie: I know...his name was David Pa-resh.
Jessa: Woah...that sounds like David KaResh.
Amy: I never realized that! So creepy!!
Jessa: Wait!! You guys!! It's David Parish. wooo.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(J jumps over N)
Jessa: Okay everybody! Over the cow! Over the cow!! Everybody.
Natalie: what?!
Jessa: Over the cow!!!
Natalie: I really hope your not talking about me.

____________________
(Andrew is Elizabeth Rankin's boyfriend...I might have insinuated to everyone that they were engaged...(they aren't) and they received a lot of congratulations...awesome.)
Andrew: So...are these couples we're about to meet engaged or are they just engaged like us?

***********************
Andrew: Yeah...so my blog is herrbah.
Amy: Oh I get it...like Mr. BAH. Mr BAAAH. Mr. Boring.
Andrew: Um...it's actually my last name.

**********************

Andrew: The only time no one made fun of me was in my academy class with this guy who has the last name Semen. His first name is Eric, but his dad's name is Peter White.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Elizabeth Rankin: Are you driving?
Andrew: Um...no...I thought we decided that when I kept and you slowed.

#######################

Amy: Officer Bob knows how to party!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Amy: I burned his pants...I wanted him to make a pair of cutoffs, but there was a hole right buy his little penis.
Andrew: I'm not sure that the diminutive was really necessary there.
Joseph: Woah. me neither.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(about Jessa being Bahai and Jared being Jewish)
Andrew: Man!! They are going to have some crazy holidays!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I can't do justice to the details, but Elizabeth told an awesome story about the first pelvic exam she ever gave as the primary doctor. The woman was mentally disabled, and started peeing on herself as soon as the exam began...E did her best to keep the pee off the floor...when the flow stopped, E started the exam, but had to use her fingers...the woman started moaning about how great it felt and how amazing it was...so E stopped.

Elizabeth: So basically...there's no way that any story will ever be better than that.
Andrew: There's no way that we're going to let some special person pee on you be the best thing that ever happens to you.

More Family Fun

2005-10-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dad: (about Alice) I'm sorry I yelled at your daughter. It's just that she was attacking the old dog. I've been fighting injustice all my life. I shouldn't have to do it at home.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Mom: I'm fifty-five! That's right!! Two nickels.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Green: At least I'm keeping things eventful for ya'll.

Austin College: The fun's forever there!

2005-10-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Girl at bar: Can I hold "it"?!
Amy: Uh...well...we call her Alice...so probably not.

***********************

Girl at Bar #2: Look at the Gremlin!
Amy: Don't EVER say that again! Someone hand me my princess!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Joseph (Trying to mend bridges and make me believe he loves Alice): I love it!!!
Lora (whispers): Are you kidding?! You must never call Alice it!
Joseph: I love that woman!!!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: I can't go back to sleep quite yet. It's my new morning procedure.
Lora: Well...I'm up.
Amy: Then face the day! Turn on the TV, turn on the light, ...
Lora: Yeah - we can eat breakfast!
Amy: It's hot!
Lora: Who are you, Paris Hilton?
Amy: No...literally...the food is hot.
Lora: I know Ame...I was making a pun. Puns are great.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Amy: I don't think Alice should have any more beer. It upset her tummy.
Lora: Yeah...it upset my tummy, too.

**********************************

Joseph: I went a little crazy at the HonduMex restaurant.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lora: I really love you guys SOOO much!!!

############################

Joseph: What was the hit the year you were born? The hit!! The hit?!
Two random girls: Uh...I don't know.
Joseph: Mine was Betty Davis Eyes. What was the hit the year you were born? The hit!?
Girls: Um...I really don't know.
Joseph: Yes you do...it's okay...you can tell me.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amy: They call themselves Auntie NiNi and Tio Isaac.
Lora: I love it!! Does he still only speak Spanish to her?
A: Not enough?
L: That's a shame...she really shouldn't be denied that part of her heritage.
A: Alice is part Mexican?
L: Um...yes...she has a Tio!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Joseph: (about Alice) I like her.
A: Well show her...don't tell me.
J: She's my first niece
Lora: So...shower the loved with love
All singing LOUD: Shower the people you love with love!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Amy: Let's talk just a little more about porn.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Amy: This would be so much better if we had tents and beer and live bands!!
Joseph: Huh? Are you at Princeton again?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Joseph: Hmm...I don't remember looking like that.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joseph: Look at my driver's license. It says I'm from AusITIN.
Lindy: I can't believe they can't spell it...it's the freakin' capital!!
Lora: AuSITIN is?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora: My class is making me hate and fear men.
Lindy: Well...statistically it's a good choice...if she chooses to say NO to penis and YES to clitoris...I can't really blame her.

____________________________

Amy: That asshole called my Alice a trend!!
Jill: He called her an accessory!
Lora: No way!
Amy: I know...so I said, "no! She's my life partner"
Joseph: One of them.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Joseph: All of his money comes from Strip Clubs.
Lora: Alexi is a stripper?! That explains a lot.

**********************************

2005-10-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

Three ladies who were born to drink!

2005-10-16T16:55:00.001-07:00

Lindy LOVES Cellerman's!

2005-10-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

Alice with Auntie Lora and MEAN uncle Joseph

Tiny bit more California

2005-10-16T16:51:00.001-07:00

(getting ready to play poker...green chips = money amount)
Brien: Uh Ame...John says he wants to be green!!

*****************************8

John: I don't gamble.
Brien: Yeah...he doesn't drink either. Isn't he precious? And by precious, I mean... a big ball of fun!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Dad: Alice! Leaveth!!
Amy: What?
Dad: I told her to Leaveth!!
Amy: Leaveth?!
Dad: That's what we say when we want her to stop touching something.
Amy: We usually just say Leave it!
Dad: I thought Leaveth sounded very intelligient.

2005-10-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

I love my boys!

2005-10-16T16:50:00.001-07:00

Life is good!

2005-10-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

Lemondrops and L'

Bonanza

2005-10-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

Brian: I am SOOO exciting!
Brien Bell: and by exciting...you mean excited?!
Brian: I am BOTH!

*****************************************

A: I might need to bathe before I go.
Melissa: Really?
A: Absolutely. Must.
Melissa: Wait... you need a bang before we go...

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Brien: Your hair looks GREAT!
Amy: No ones hair looks great in a pony tail...except for Charlotte on Sex and the City...you guys don't even know sex in the city.
Brien: Yeah...but we knew sex in the suburbs.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(Reading Time article about gay teens...)
A: I wonder how you guys fit into the average age of same sex attraction scale?
Brien Bell: It was 6th grade (gives the name)
Brian Pick: 5th grade.
A: So...how do they compare to national average?
Brien Bell: Well...truth is...I used to kiss Michael Jordan on the TV when I was five.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

(BP cuts himself putting one of the rockets together)
BB: You are bleeding so much! Why are you eating it like it's so good!
Amy: Just think about the scab!

***********************************

(interrupts the silence)
Brien: So! Are any of you big unicorn fans?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

BP: So...I can go to Harvard and take a year to get a master's...well...it will be my 2nd masters, actually.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

BB: (about Leena dating NFL guy) No one knows...she flies under the radar.
Leena: Or maybe OVER!

BP: Um...Guys...it's almost time for the launch.

***************************************

BP: Abort! Aborting ignition sequence!!!
BB: Aborting the ignition sequence?! You're blue balling us.

*****************************************

Brien: "Yes ladies and gentlemen...we're here for the attempt number four of Alpha 1406 rocket launch"
(Brian can't make it go)
Random man in spontaneous audience: HOUSTON! We have a problem!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

BP: Nothing works today. This is the worst day ever.
BB: Oh great.
A: What a disaster!
BP: I mean...we even had a launch site.

*************************************

BB: I remember thinking that wasn't your handwriting
Melissa: Well...things change once you're no longer a virgin.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: Yeah...my blog's a lot like springstreet only it's a lot more about me.

###########################

Livin' La Vida LSAT

2005-10-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

I took the LSAT on Saturday morning...Jessa, Natalie, and Jared all drove in to celebrate...they ended up meeting the rest of us at the hospital, kissed Green, and the three of them took off with me, momma, and dad to get some margaritas.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(To Jared and Jessa who are not engaged)
Mom: Let's get down to the nitty gritty. Okay...so. When is the wedding?!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(Lull in dinner conversation)
Mom: So...I've got some light fixture books in the car. Would anyone like to look at them?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Jessa: Then, Natalie and I...wait...we were smelling...why were we smelling that tree?!
Natalie: Because there was nothing else to do.

************************************

Natalie: and then he yelled, "Baby! Move it!!"

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Mom: I used to be so jealous...I mean...they made going to the grocery store sound like it was just a circus and shit.

************************************

(about Dad's family)
Mom: I felt very out of place.

#############################

Dad: I was trying to protect her...you see...I have this cousin named Squeaky.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Will: (7 year old in Jessa's theater class) Have we had a chance to talk to the director about our personal experience? I'm a really great whistler, he should really know that.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((9

A: I loved her because Natalie loved her, but at the end of the day, she was just a panty eater.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Green: (in her prissiest voice) Amy...you musn't argue with me...I ust simply don't have the strength.
A: I wasn't trying to argue.
G: I know...you were just trying to convince.
A: I learned that trick from this really stubborn old lady.
G: I wonder who that is?! Wait! Hey! She's not that old.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

3:15 AM...Green wakes up suddenly

G: Ah! You musn't study me that way!!!
A: It's probably pretty creapy to wake up and...
G: See someone staring at you...YES!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Mom: I'm so thirsty I could drink a lake. I can't believe that Suzie is sick. Of course, I just had to hit the red light. I'm just thirsty.
A: You really do have just your own little running monologue when we are in the car.
M: Because I have to listen to Dad talk if I don't...he usually just says dribble.
D: And yours has been so insightful: lakes, suzie, lights
M:I'm SO thirsty.You know...I think I saw this same truck the other day...I mean...how many of that truck are there...it's got that crazy barbedwire on the flag...I've never seen anyone do that. Have you? Probably not...I mean, only a real dip shit would do that.

Hospital's get even more hilarious

2005-09-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

A: You have that horrified look on your face again.
Green: Well yes...I get that when you mess with my parts.

**********************************************

Green: I had the most horrid dinner.
Mom: What?!
Green: Mashed potatos and squash.
Mom: You love that.
Green: Not like this.
Mom: Well...that pureed food just isn't going to taste that great...it's like baby food...WAIT! Baby food might not be such a bad idea.
A: Now it's advanced.
Mom: Yeah...they have some for bigger toddlers.
Dad: Granny's definitely a bigger toddler.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mom: Amy! You were not looking. You just ran over that man. Oh great...you still aren't looking.
Dad: I stepped right in front of a car today when I was walking to the Courthouse.
Mom: You two!
Dad: I never do that...but I guess it would just take once.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Mom talks nonstop and super cute the whole way home...UNTIL
Mom: Those people in that house have their computer screen on the same thing all the time. The image just never changes. What do you think about that?
Dad: I guess I just wonder if they're watching us, too.

hospital's humor

2005-09-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

Mom: I wonder when they're going to let you go home?
Green: Tomorrow.
Mom: Did they tell you that?
Green: I made it up.

************************************************
(Amy tells story about amazingly kind Dr. on Nip/Tuck TV show)
Mom: He's a Dog.
A: What?
Mom: A DOG!
A: Why do you say that?
Mom: Um...dog the bounty hunter!!

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Dad: Every time I go up there (to the hospital), that other old lady is taking a dump.
A: Oh.
Dad: And I'm sick of that shit!! Literally!
A: Well...she probably doesn't go to do it...I mean...do you really think she sits back and thinks, "I bet that Philip Banks is coming in, I want to show him my ass and go poopin"
Dad: Yeah...it's a conspiracy...kind of like forward stalking.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

2005-09-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Jessa, Amy, Natalie, and Alice are ready to ROCK San Marcos!

A little more San Marcos goodness

2005-09-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

A: He's going to fart right on you.
Natalie: It wouldn't be the first time.
A: Wait... Boys don't fart.
Isaac: That's right. We don't toot, and we don't wear panties.

**********************************

Natalie: Come here Alice...you and Auntie NiNi need to have a serious talk.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Isaac: I'm serious. Their babies...they're going to have Chewbaccas together.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

1st grader Evan: STREY!!! I think there's blood out of my nose.
Natalie: Have you been picking it?!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

2005-09-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Alice loves life!!

bits and pieces of the goodness

2005-09-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

It is SOOO hard to pay attention and write down all of the funny things that my wonderful friends say...here's just a tiny snippet.

Amy: I'm not doing my work!! I just can't get off the computer!!
Isaac: Amy...am I going to have to take it away from you?
Amy: I don't know...I even put it in a weird place so that I wouldn't be comfortable.
Isaac: Yeah...you've been on your knees for like 15 minutes.
Amy (singing): Get down girl. Go ahead. Get down.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Amy: I can't believe you'd always known about masturbation and you guys never clued me in.
Natalie: I guess we just figured you would catch on.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Jessa: I'm SO jealous. Natalie called and told me that you guys were hiding behind napkins.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(we went to see the Exorcism of Emily Rose...totally freaked me out...a big piece of the movie talks about how 3:00 am is the witching hour...and all of the creapy shit happens at that time...so the night we saw the movie...)
precisely 3:00 am: (Amy's phone) "Ain't nothing like the real thing baby. Ain't nothing like the REAL thing."
3:02 am (message received signal:) "Let's get it ON! Woah...Let's get it on!"

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Mich: So...we went to the drive-in and ate the pot brownie. We watched March of the Penguins. Those penguins were amazing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Edgar: Natalie, do you now how to Country Dance?
Natalie: HONEY, I raised rabbits!!

hot and happy

2005-07-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

B: I had this dream that our roommate was talking on the phone in another language...but I understood her. She said, "All of my friends are in another room and I have to sleep with these three fat Americans" Did that really happen?

·····················································································································

C: I was in and out consciousness all night.
A: Yeah...you should take more benadryl...but not four...I still feel a little bit droggy...wait a minute...DROGGY...is that right?
C: Um...no. You combined Dog with Groggy.

·····················································································································

B: I´m going to always where white linen when I get older.
C: When I´m old...I´m going to wear the same thing over and over. You can´t do that with linen. I´m still going to be very CHICK though.
A: Maybe you mean chic?

····················································································································

(our first coed hostel room)
A: So...what do you make of naked guy?
C: He´s real old.
A: yeah.
B: Well...he´s like 30. So he might be old to us but probably not to Amy.

When in Rome...

2005-07-09T05:43:00.000-07:00

B: I really wish I ad seen them make fun of you...I kind of wish they would make fun of me...then I would yell, "Do you speak English? Do you know what get the fuck out of my face means?"...no...I'd probably just yell, "Get off my junk!"
A: Get off my junk? That would confuse them even if they could speak English!
B: That'd be something to put in a travelogue..."and Bethy said, 'get off my junk' and the Hungarians went hysterical!"
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

B: I really need a restroom.
A: Take one for the team and go on yourself.

££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££

(seeing the David)
C: Well...there he is...the work himself!!
A: Hey guy.

ééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééé

(We "write" pretend letters to mom and dad ALL of the time)
B: Dear Daddy, Having a great time in Florence. I really like the pizza and gelato here. I worry sometimes that I'm going to go back home and not be able to eat the pizza and icecream without vomiting. I think about it often. Thinking of you often, Your loving daughter, Bethy

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

B: I hope the monks make fun of you...I hope they call you "Little-Blonde-Shits-her-pants"
C: Monks don't give Indian names!!!

I'm Hungary!

2005-07-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

B: Dad and I would be the best Amazing Race team!
A: No...you'd just sit around talking to eachother...but America would love you.
B: We're actually very competitive.
C: You guys are competitive like Mathletes are competitive.

*************************************************

C: I like Budapest.
A: Me too...I just don't like...
C: The people!!
B: When this whole bus attacks you two, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to get my eurorail pass from Courtney's pouch and carry on my merry way.
A: But you wouldn't have any money.
B: Well...I can dance a bit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(At huge flight of stairs enroute to Labyrinth)
C: I don't even know what a fucking labyrinth is! I'm not doing this. You don't even know where the fuck it is and you're making me walk up these steps. I'm not doing this. Here is a bench. You can't even find it on a map. You go have fun...come and get me when you're done.
(she ended up making it up the stairs...we never found the labyrinth)

*************************************************

C: Bethy was just talking to herself...she had no idea we were lost.
B: We weren't lost! We were just finding a different way!!

European Adventure

2005-07-02T06:14:00.002-07:00

A: We're going to Amsterdam!
B: Do you think they'll let us smoke a bowl on the plane?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

C: Get off the road old man!
B: Courtney! He could have been a veteran!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Flight attendant: Did you decorate those bags yourselves?
C: Yes ma'am. We didn't want them to match.
F.A. : oh I love it! I might do that to my daughter's backpack...she's going to first grade...she would love that.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A: America will love that!
B: So...is this trip kind of like our postcard to America?!

***********************************************

A: You sure are smacking that gum.
C: It's the only way to chew.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

C: (translating Spanish at the Heineken factory after three beers) And then, the sober people of the whole world would unite.
A: Uh...CJ...sobre means "all over," not sober.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

B: I saved the team again.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

B: Some people might say that this outfit doesn't work...but if you really own it, anything can work. Fashion tips from Bethy...priceless!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

B: There are a lot of roller bladers here. Maybe there's a race.
A:Or a tournament?
C: Tour de Germany?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

B: I'm going to be a real bronzed goddess when we get back.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

B: So...I'll only give a timeout to someone who is going to hurt themselves, us, or public property...AND...2 out of 3 must agree...AND...AND...
C: You certainly know a lot about the timeout system.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(leaving museum)
A: This place is all Jesus and Boobs!

********************************************

B: Momma said, "lying rocks my face off!"... And then she shimmied a whole lot.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Sign: Tunnel is polluted. Not recommended for pedestrians.
C: Something tells me that if the communists warn you, you should listen.

************************************************

Pledge: We will be funnier and post more SOON! A, B, C