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Caroline: I guess it's like 90% straight with a 10% chance of queer.
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(Up on Cripple Creek comes on as we pull into Lake Charles, Louisiana(

Dad: Yes! Allllllright! My life has a soundtrack.

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Dad: So...Courtney...what's your functional equivalent of gold pants?

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Amy: the church is just a few blocks from our house.
Caroline: Perfect! You can walk there on Shabbat.

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Mom: Well...now I know that I'm not Episcopal.
Dad: Yeah...and I know I'm not Baptist. I mean, I guess I could get really intolerant, turn into a bigot, and be a giant hypocrite, but I'm not into that.

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Caroline: Hey!
Amy: Woohoo!
Caroline: Remember me?
Amy: Do I ever!
Caroline: Well...your blog sure didn't

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(after eating everything...including some tin roof icecream..he has a SUPER big Texas accent)
Ernest: The Tin Roof has the hamburger in a headlock in my stomach. The pistachios are just sittin' on the sidelines bein' the spectators.

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Bethy: So what's the latest on law schools?
Amy: I still haven't heard.
Bethy: Oh.
Amy: Yeah...I'm thinking of becoming an Avon Lady.
Bethy: It doesn't have to be this way!

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Tejas visitor

Mom: We're going to throw a party at our house.
Leslie: Will it be an afternoon tea.
Mom: No! It will be a night time drunk!

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Amy: Oh! What are we going to do if worse comes to worse?!...huh...I guess it just won't.

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(flashing white light on the top of a school bus)
Amy: Jesus. Those lights make me want to seize out.
Melissa: I've never seen those before. Why are they there?
Amy: So no one will land on the children.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy: I really want to go tubing!
Joseph: Me too!! It's my favorite way to drink!
Reno: And by drink...you mean...."enjoy summer?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Reno: I've got this bitsy basil plant I'd really like to save from the ground.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(Watching horrid string trick at Juggling show)
Melissa: This is my idea of purgatory.
Amy: When you talk about your trip to Texas, no one needs to know about this.

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Melissa: You must be your own lucky star...a lone star.
Amy: Do you think that all of that LWord, Gold Star, stuff is real? I mean...are there really people out there who ONLY sleep with men or ONLY sleep with women?
Melissa: Uh. Yeah...me.

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Melissa: Would you have the boys be sperm donors...and if so, which?
Amy: BBell for me, BPick for her.
Melissa: Well...I hope you would consult me before Brian Pick donates to anyone's womb.

#####################

Melissa: Woah! What's he doing?
Amy: Oh! He's an aggie. He's building a bonfire.
Melissa: Oh. I saw that ax. I thought it was a penis coming out of the back of his pants.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa: I don't have a life. I just have on-demand cable.
Amy: I don't even have that.

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(Preppy white man passes car, he's wearing a polo shirt...super-harmless)
Amy: Lock the doors!!
Melissa: I like that. I think your mom would be proud of that.
Amy: She would. Mommy doesn't discriminate.

non-native speakers

Amy: what happens when planes don't go?
Caroline: People stay.

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(trying FOREVER to find new screensaver)
Caroline: OH! I know what I like!! Pop Culture!!

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(about horrible roommate...there's a hole in the ceiling, so it feels like she's always in the same room)
Amy: What the fuck? Is English her second language?
Caroline: Who knows! She'll never tell anyone where she's really from.
Amy: She likes the stupidist shit.

***********************************

Amy: Come here.
Caroline: Uh. You don't want what's in my mouth. It came from my body.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(at work meeting about defendants...a bunch of probation officers and mental health caseworkers)
Officer 1: Look...I appreciate your input but you need to keep it to a minimum and close your damn mouth.
Amy: Woah...she told you to shut the hell up.
Caseworker 1: Who did what to the chicken?

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Officer 2: He's obsessed with his mom. Get him off that titty!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Officer 2: Who want to lay with him...dusty, dirty, funky, nasty ass.

The Latest

Editor's Note: I would like to apologize for misquoting Ms. Caroline Berler in this entry. Her words are not written here verbatim...that's what happens when I don't write shit down. Damn!

Caroline (in the creepiest, deepest voice ever): So...I've read your blog, Amy.
Amy: woah. really?
Caroline: I don't think my humor has been accurately represented. I mean...we talk all the time and I'm not there.
Amy: well...I really try to focus on the words of my primary readers and until now you haven't been one.
Caroline: Don't you think your numbers would jump if you put up some of the funny stuff I say? I don't want to see anything about this conversation on the internet. Pretend it never happened.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad: Hmm...you know...this place really reminds me of a restaurant that might be on Days of our Lives.

******************************************
(there has been a giant courthouse sex scandal between a lady attorney and several judges...causing quite the stir!)
Dad: Richard and I are going to start sending eachother sexy emails. Brokeback Courthouse.
Mom: NO! Ha! Don't kid! We don't want anyone in the news for being queer.

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