Let´s get it started...hot!

Dad: You know what that is...TIME DELAY!!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Mom: The worst was that time when dad was so drunk that we couldn´t find the car. So there I was at the circus, with a four year old, an infant, and 8 months pregnant!!


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A: Has anything happened that we should write down for the blog?
C: NOTHING fun has happened today!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: THat was LBJs favorite beer, too.
Bethy: THe most underrated president and the most underrated banks sister.

////////////////

A: Should I put that down?
B & C together: NO! It´s mean
B: We don´t write down mean stuff.
C: Then Courtney´s never going to get on the blog.


)))))))))))))))))

(Rafting guide pushes Amy in the water, then pushes bethy while she´s trying to lift amy into the raft)
B: Why?! I was just trying to help!!!


·································

(out of boat)
C: Oh man! I´ve got sea legs!!


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

C: I feel like I´m in star trek when I wear this outfit!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

C: How do you spell monkeys?
A: I do NOT know.

Holiday Hotness

 

Too Too Long

Amy: Do you want me to drive you home?
Barbie: I don't know where I'm going next...but it isn't home.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Barbie: I'm not going to talk to my younger cousins...they were never there for me when I was drunk at the Chicken.


########################

Mom: It was touching me WAY too much!
Linda: (to Dad) Does she say that to you?
Dad: She just talks a LOT.

**************************

Linda: God! It looks like a pharmacy!
Mom: Yeah...We've got some sick people here.

*************************

Mom: You wouldn't believe the traffic in California! It was wild!
Green: You want to see crazy traffic...sit out front of the physician's center in your wheelchair and wait for the van to come.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(about some random stranger)
Mom: She's mean.
Amy: She's hateful.
Mom: She's eating her doll. And now she's yelling "tattle teller" because she's such a little shit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bethy: How old do we have to be before we can stop doing the christmas card?
Mom: This year! I'll just tell everyone that Bethy had a giant hickey on her neck.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Amy: How do you spell hickey?
Bethy: with an E-Y- I think.
Amy: Okay...how about neck? With a K?

##################

Bethy: Momma would NEVER call me a slut.
Mom: Well...I wouldn't go that far.

*********************
Caroline: Well...I've got a paper to write, but I'm thinking that having my muse around will spark the creative juices!

Festival Fun

Lora: You used to give me SUCH a hard time!
Amy: Just once.
Lora: Once is enough to make you a hypocrite.

******************************

Amy: Aw fuck! Why can't I play that?
Courtney: Because you have no musical ability.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(van morrison)
Lora: I can't believe it! I thought he would be dead before I saw him in concert.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Courtney: She was wanting to be Mollege Bation, but...
Amy: She wasn't! Just tacky and rude.
Courtney: Yeah - I wanted to throw something at her, but I didn't.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Courtney: I'm SO happy!
Lora and Lindy: Me too! Me too!
Courtney: You don't understand...I didn't know I could be this happy for someone else.

Bethy's so wise...

I learn a lot from Bethy's blog....today I learned that I want to do my own Johari Window. I'd never seen one before, but it's quite exciting...you just go to this place and pick a few words that you think describe me and then we get to see where our ideas overlap!...AND then you can do your own! Go ahead...boost my self-confidence!
Fun!
Love!
Exclamation marks!!
AMY

http://kevan.org/johari?name=amybanks628

Cute

Sisters listening to music...if only there was a Bethy in this picture!!

 

crazy juice

(Our first television show)
Caroline: Let's get silly with Caroline and Amy! Today's guests...Green and Matthew.

#################################

Caroline: I told you I wanted the New Yorker, and now I enjoy that.
Amy: I told you I wanted a birthday present, and now I wait patiently.

Back in Business

I haven't updated in FOREVER! Part of the reason is that I've been AWFUL about this is that I haven't been writing very much down. Ahh! Special thanks to my faithful readers for yelling at me all the damn time about updating (I know they only check it because they want to see how funny they are!).

**************************

Joseph: Weren't there six of these? Where did they go, Amy?!
Amy: Stop. That makes me sound fat.
Lora: No...
Joseph: It makes you sound like a giant eggroll pig!

####################

Charis: Mmmm. Yummmm!! Bloody Mary's and bologne!!
Karlee: You are SO white trash right now.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(stranger walks into movie theater with her arms FULL of tons of food)
Caroline (yelling): Get it girl!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Caroline: I guess I'll just take a taxi if you can't pick me up.
Amy: You can take the Super Shuttle.
Caroline: Listen. I'll decide if the shuttle is super.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Interesting note: Kristy gets the giggles anytime anybody says "wooly mammoth" and Charis has a ridiculous amount of information about that animal, leading Karlee to yell, "When did you become Bill Nye?"

************************
Natalie: Have you seen his kids?
Amy: No...but I bet they're UGLY!
Natalie: Yeah...but with curly hair. I want a kid with big curly hair.
Jessa: Yeah...kind of
Natalie: Kind of a LOT!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Dad (about mom being feisty like Green): It's my mom's fault. It's all that Freud shit...which is good because if you ever get into guys, you're likely to find somebody like me that's really good looking with great bullshit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CJ: He used to be a Whitelighter.
A: What does that mean.
Dad: Maybe that he's a dim bulb.

******************

Mom: That lady didn't pay enough money for her wig!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Mom: I've never been a dancer. Ask Dad.
Dad: She only did that when she was young and drunk and trying to pick up guys.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(Mom, Dad, Courty, and I went to a VERY county dance in Madisonville for a work friend's birthday.)
Junior (Daylia's husband): There's going to be a lot of tight jeans and wrinkles tonight!

*********************

Random man to Leslie: You look better 'er damn time I see you...and I haven't even had my Jack Daniels yet tonight! (then he grabbed her ass)

Typical

Amy and Caroline 

Ha

 

You know it's a good party when somebody has to turn off the porch light

Andy and Charis...living the dream and tapping the keg! 

Game On!

Dad's a ping-pong Genius! I can't wait for the Caroline/Dad Rematch...talk about a great game! 

Shake it!

Amy and Jessica...DANCE!! 

Wise words

Karlee: You can't take the hat off a dead animal!

Birthday Fun1

Best Birthday Party EVER! Flippy Cup is a very serious sport 

Good times in the Homeland.!

Dad: Of all my daughters, the one that's most likely to plug someone is you, Amy
Courtney: Dad! I take offense!
Dad: well...okay...maybe you. But Bethy...she's more of a sword person.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(Courtney attacks Amy while yelling "bitch or bitchier?! bitch or bitchier?!!?!?!")
C: Laugh! I tickled you, damnit!!

*****************************

C: Amy's in charge! It's her party.
Dad: I'm in charge! I'm the kegmaster.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

(go into bar, everybody is getting ID checks)
Ernest: Mine's on a stone tablet..is that okay?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Charis: There are three drawers in Karlee's house that I haven't gone through yet.


************************

Charis (About the pasties she's wearing): I bought the black ones because they were three dollars cheaper.


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Ernest: So...it seems like a pasty is really just a titty hat...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ernest: There was this one time at the zoo..at this penguin exhibit...I needed a penis pasty.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(about her tattoo)
Charis: I got it in a Winnebago at a Harley Rally.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: I could sell this Adderall.
Courtney: I could sell my Seroquel.
Bethy: Yeah..but you probably shouldn't get into drug dealing...our family has enough on our plates.

Dirty girls

Mom: Did you see how she was dressed today?
Bethy: Yes! She was cute!
CJ: I was cute...but I was WAY over-dressed! That's why I had to go buy two new pairs of shoes!

********************************
CJ: Look at these shorts! They say "No boys allowed!"
Bethy: Amy should wear them.

########################

Mom: She had something all over all of her clothes.
CJ: Maybe sweat?
Mom: No! Vomit. There was just tons of vomit on all of her dirty clothes. She tries to say that it was cheese.
Bethy: It was! There was queso on some pants.
Mom: Disgusting. I'm going to call you Vomit Banks.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(watching National Spelling Bee)
Mom: I guarantee you these kids never get drink too much and get sick on their clothes.

***************************

Mom: Huh! I remember that little nerd from last year.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Dad: Why do you all keep saying "Shave your ass" over and over again?

#######################

Gorgeous Frio River! 

Takin' it to the river

(Mom hates the show, Charmed...but it's SO fun when we make her talk about it)
Mom: Whitelighter? Hmm...I bet I have my own.
CJ: I'm sure you do.
Mom: But I bet I don't call him a whitelighter.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Amy: Hey dad! What are you up to in here all alone?
Dad: Just watching my show about the Charmed ones.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Caroline: Perry went to a girl's birthday party yesterday, threw cake in her face, and made the birthday girl cry!!
Girl sitting super close to all at the table: Um...yeah...that was me.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Amy: what other funny stuff has been said lately?
Bethy: Well...I've been a laugh a minute!!

There ARE some days when I don't hate my job...

Deborah (another Probation Officer): Hmmm...Do you ever just look at him like he could be a GREAT sex offender?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Deborah: He wants to be a preacher.
Darrin: So...this guy's either going to be a sex offender or a preacher?
Karlee: He's not a Catholic I hope...Oh...sorry...so sorry...that slipped out.

##############################

Karlee: You can't hide crazy.
Deborah: You can't hide crazy...and you sure can't hide ugly.

############################

Amy (to defendant): If you don't know her name, she's NOT your girlfriend!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Deborah: He's not a bad looking guy.
Amy: Yeah...his mom's not that ugly when she's got her teeth in

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Big, nasty, oxygen-wearing, MHMR-going, Defendant: Amy...come on, get mad at me! I'll bet you're so cute when you get mad!


**************************************

Defendant: I swear! The only drugs I use are the ones Karlee gives me.

Betho Redux

Mom: Go get the dirty clothes.
Bethy: Well...what about the Vegas birthday
Mom: I'm not taking anybody to Vegas that's a PIG!!
Bethy: Mom....you and I are going to TRASH that hotel room...when we come back raging drunk with the strippers!


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Bethy: You know...the thing about me is, I never smell bad.
CJ: Me neither.
Amy: Court!
CJ: Well...my body always smells fresh...even when I don't bathe for a while.
Bethy: Yeah! Me too!
CJ: Maybe it runs in the family...a sister thing... Except for Amy, we don't really know about her...she bathes too much...you'd have to wait at least a couple of days to find out if you smell bad or not...well...maybe wait a week.

Lora's a Lawyer!!

Joseph: You want a little update on my life?
Lora: Yes!
Amy: Uh huh!
Joseph: Well...there are tomatoes and artichokes growing in my garden.

################################3

Lora's dad: Anytime I think about negative, I think about trying to teach Lora to drive stick.
Lora: You were the negative one. You made me walk home.
Lora dad: Just across the street.
Lora: You were just mad because you spilled your beer.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Joseph: I had to stop doing all the push-ups and sit-ups because of my chromioclavicular disorder.

###############################3

A: I think I have a tapeworm.
J: that'd be GREAT!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(Joseph and Amy stuck in the back of the car)
Joseph: You are the most feeble young people I know. The three of you just staring at us.
Cassie: Nope. I wasn't looking at you.
A: Cassie wasn't even thinking about helping us.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy: I act like I'm the beer martyr and doing all the work...really I just stand here while Joseph pours and Lindy passes them out.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dan: My real dream was to get the...
Dan and Lindy: Shrunken OED!!!
Joseph: Everyone wants an OED. I love to read dictionaries and encyclopedias.
Lora: We didn't have encyclopedias when I was little
Lora dad: You didn't need them. You were too smart.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Joseph: Dad's gotten really funny when we hang up the phone. He says, 'god bless you' so I say "maybe"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Cassie: Is there really alcohol in this?!
Joseph: Yeah!
Cassie: I love it!!
JosephL Yeah! I find a way to feed our driver drinks.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora's mom: He just doesn't know when to quit!
Lora: being a stewardess?
Lora's mom: Honey...they don't call them stewardesses when they're males.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Lora Dad: Now we say stewarder instead of stewardess.
Lora: Or...steward.

**************************

Lora's Dad: I got tired of hearing her complain about her feet hurting.
Amy: Yeah...she does bitch a LOT!

#####################

Lora: I've got two extra summer dresses if anyone wants them.
Lora's dad: probably too short for me.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Lora: she's scary!
lora's mom: she is!
Lora: She likes it.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora: Have I really been that awful?
Everybody: no no no no!
Amy: well...a little bit...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Joseph: It's so different being around different vegetation.
Lora: you LOVE plants!
Lindy: Amy! write it down.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Cassie: You can't do the robot to hip hop!
Joseph: yes you can. Either that or African Dance...I know that too.

@@@@@@@@@@@

Joseph: I don't need extra insecurities cassie!!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Joseph: She could be...
Amy: Well...anybody could be...
Joseph: Yeah...but she looks like she's open to being touched by female hands.

###############

Dan: You are en fuego!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Amy: I need a nap!
Joseph: Me too. right now!
Lora: this hot car feels so good!
Lindy: Yeah! It's napalicious!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(to Joseph)
Lora: Sometimes you say the wrong thing.

@@@@@@@@@@@

Joseph: You're a beautiful dancer.
Amy: You dance like Jesus sings.
Lora: do you hear Jesus sing?
Amy: "Aaaammmyyy! You're my favorite!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4

Amy: Lindy! That was the biggest poor ever!
Cassie: You might as well have poured the whole glass in.

***********************

Amy: can you believe you're graduation from law school?
dan: Big fucking deal!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(Dean asks everyone that's a thread in the tapestry of graduates' lives to stand up...none of us move.)
Joseph: Im a thread! I'm a thread! I'm a thread!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lora: Is my little cassie drinking wine?
Amy: She's getting crunk.

#################

(talking about getting a cat)
Usthma: I thought...I'm stuck with that until it dies...then I thouhgt...I know what guys feel like!

#################

(re: mom missing graduation)
Usthma: she said, I'll come home, we'll go shopping. and then I'm like "we're not that rich...it'd take a house in the Hamptons to make this okay."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Michelle: These pants are really low...if anyone makes pants any lower I'm going to have to...
Cassie: shave!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Joseph: You've never seen this music video?
cassie: I don't watch videos! I make my own!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Usthma: I can't dance. I'm sober.
Amy: Get over it. Everybody's sober.
Joseph: I'm not.
Amy: Yeah...me neither.

Food, fun, and babies on the way

(re: Starbucks sponsorship of my new favorited movie, Akeela and The Bee)
Caroline: I'm really thrilled that Starbucks took an interest in the the ghetto youth.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Amy: what are ya'll fighting about?
Tricia: Doin' it.

############################

(T is pregnant, Rob is the proud papa)
Rob: I'm going to look at moy by and fight with my boy and do things with my boy...and...
Tricia: And what if it's a girl?
Rob: You don't know...all you had to do was lay there.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Karlee: My mom had me when she was thirty-eight and I'm fine.
Amy: Said the pothead lesbian.

#############################

Karlee: So...are you so scared of being on the blog that you don't want to talk anymore tonight?
Charis: Just refer to me as Mother Theresa.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Lora: AND... I discovered that they don't make designer jeans big enough to fit my body. It was horrible! I need a food nazi in my life!

####################################

Charis (Mother T): I really shouldn't hold kids when I'm that drunk.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karlee: I talk in my sleep. I say stuff like "chicken biscuit" and "Funnel cake"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Karlee: The nurse lady yelled "Oh my goodness" when I got on the scale...so fuck all ya'll.

#############################

Amy: Alice never wants to go to the bathroom outside. I mean...I don't blame her...me neither!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Important editor's note:
1) Jessica said two things Saturday night that must have been hilarious, but I was a little too fucked up to write them so I could read them...damnation!
2) Ernest (who made the classic comment about the food fighting in his stomach) no longer has a mullet!

College Station ROCKS! (Ha!)

Something so tragic happened...I had the most incredible weekend (Caroline came to College Station!), but like a dumbass I didn't write anything down. SO many funny things happened...and the blog missed it. I do remember a tiny bit:

*******************************

Caroline: Your boss is hot!
Courtney: Your boss IS hot...and he's licking that guy!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I was with it enough to write down other good times earlier in the week:

Darin: I'd be really popular in a gay porn!

#######################

Karlee: Something was wrong with that girl...it was nasty...you could hear her breathe.
Amy: Well...you can hear me breathe!
Karlee: No...it's different. Your nose is melodious.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Darin: Could you please refer to me as Deonshae on the blog?

##########################

Bethy's Back! (briefly)

Mom: Did you and Amy fight?
Courtney: No. I let Amy boss me around and tell me which clothes to buy.

************************************

A: Isn't it fun living at home!
B: If I move home, I too could have all of this.
Mom: If you move home, I'm moving out.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(still talking about finding a church)
B: What about that one that's diagonal from the high school...you know...the one where Amy and I went to two-school?
M: Friends Church.
B: They're real queer friendly.
A: They're really gay.
C: Mom sent Amy and Bethy to a queer two-school?! It all makes sense.

Nekkid goodness?!

(Jessica's getting ready to get in the shower, D is outside the door...)
Darin: I can hear you Nekkid!

###############################
(upon learning that Jessica and Karlee are together)
Darin: Well...that doens't mean you won't need a walking stick every now and then.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Karlee (running from kitchen): Ooooh! You need paper?! Here!!
Jessica (in her Karlee voice): You can use THAT to quote me!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Karlee: That girl had gained so much weight that I didn't recognizer her...she'd gained like 85 pounds. Shit! She'd gained a Tricia!

My Texas Boys!

Gorgeous drunk momma! 

Karlee and Jessica are Hot and Happy! 

Yep

Amy: Look!! I'm shapely!
Karlee: No you're not. You're drunk.

###########################

Amy: You're madly in love with me and my nose whistle. Face it!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Kristen: She wants me to go BUY my bridesmaid dress tomorrow...and the wedding is over a year away.
Amy: Holy fuck!
Kris: yeah...I'm from the midwest...and I'm gay. We don't do that shit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amy: I saw Patricia this morning...she might be nuts.
Mom: Yeah...she's the craziest of the crazies. She's just might be full-tilt bozo!

********************************************

Amy: I hoped you kicked a little Spanish-test Ass!
Caroline: It was more like a pat on the ass before it kicked mine.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Napa Lovin'

Big Time Bay

Brien: Only .4 miles
Brian: Not that far!
Amy: Yeah! Go get it, math!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Caroline: Did you roll in poison ivy?
Brian: No.
Caroline: Regular ivy?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Caroline: Hey Brien, you want to go do it on that tractor?

##########################

Melissa: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are supposed to get married this weekend?
Amy: Huh. What will they do now, staple themselves together?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Caroline (wine tasting): Double gold? Is that like the triple axel?

#########################

Caroline (still wine): Oh fuck! I forgot my beer bong!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
(Amy and Caroline in St. James park (a homeless haven)...we missed our flights so we've got bags stacked around us like a fortress...neither of us are especially clean)

Man: Hi! There's a hot lunch three blocks over if you guys want to join us.
...........
Amy: That was sweet...we were just talking about food.
Caroline: Amy! He thought we were homeless!!

MORE

Caroline: I guess it's like 90% straight with a 10% chance of queer.
#################################
(Up on Cripple Creek comes on as we pull into Lake Charles, Louisiana(

Dad: Yes! Allllllright! My life has a soundtrack.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad: So...Courtney...what's your functional equivalent of gold pants?

###############################

Amy: the church is just a few blocks from our house.
Caroline: Perfect! You can walk there on Shabbat.

##################################
Mom: Well...now I know that I'm not Episcopal.
Dad: Yeah...and I know I'm not Baptist. I mean, I guess I could get really intolerant, turn into a bigot, and be a giant hypocrite, but I'm not into that.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Caroline: Hey!
Amy: Woohoo!
Caroline: Remember me?
Amy: Do I ever!
Caroline: Well...your blog sure didn't

******************************************

(after eating everything...including some tin roof icecream..he has a SUPER big Texas accent)
Ernest: The Tin Roof has the hamburger in a headlock in my stomach. The pistachios are just sittin' on the sidelines bein' the spectators.

####################################

Bethy: So what's the latest on law schools?
Amy: I still haven't heard.
Bethy: Oh.
Amy: Yeah...I'm thinking of becoming an Avon Lady.
Bethy: It doesn't have to be this way!

#################################

Tejas visitor

Mom: We're going to throw a party at our house.
Leslie: Will it be an afternoon tea.
Mom: No! It will be a night time drunk!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Amy: Oh! What are we going to do if worse comes to worse?!...huh...I guess it just won't.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(flashing white light on the top of a school bus)
Amy: Jesus. Those lights make me want to seize out.
Melissa: I've never seen those before. Why are they there?
Amy: So no one will land on the children.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy: I really want to go tubing!
Joseph: Me too!! It's my favorite way to drink!
Reno: And by drink...you mean...."enjoy summer?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Reno: I've got this bitsy basil plant I'd really like to save from the ground.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(Watching horrid string trick at Juggling show)
Melissa: This is my idea of purgatory.
Amy: When you talk about your trip to Texas, no one needs to know about this.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Melissa: You must be your own lucky star...a lone star.
Amy: Do you think that all of that LWord, Gold Star, stuff is real? I mean...are there really people out there who ONLY sleep with men or ONLY sleep with women?
Melissa: Uh. Yeah...me.

***************************

Melissa: Would you have the boys be sperm donors...and if so, which?
Amy: BBell for me, BPick for her.
Melissa: Well...I hope you would consult me before Brian Pick donates to anyone's womb.

#####################

Melissa: Woah! What's he doing?
Amy: Oh! He's an aggie. He's building a bonfire.
Melissa: Oh. I saw that ax. I thought it was a penis coming out of the back of his pants.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa: I don't have a life. I just have on-demand cable.
Amy: I don't even have that.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(Preppy white man passes car, he's wearing a polo shirt...super-harmless)
Amy: Lock the doors!!
Melissa: I like that. I think your mom would be proud of that.
Amy: She would. Mommy doesn't discriminate.

non-native speakers

Amy: what happens when planes don't go?
Caroline: People stay.

##############################

(trying FOREVER to find new screensaver)
Caroline: OH! I know what I like!! Pop Culture!!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(about horrible roommate...there's a hole in the ceiling, so it feels like she's always in the same room)
Amy: What the fuck? Is English her second language?
Caroline: Who knows! She'll never tell anyone where she's really from.
Amy: She likes the stupidist shit.

***********************************

Amy: Come here.
Caroline: Uh. You don't want what's in my mouth. It came from my body.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(at work meeting about defendants...a bunch of probation officers and mental health caseworkers)
Officer 1: Look...I appreciate your input but you need to keep it to a minimum and close your damn mouth.
Amy: Woah...she told you to shut the hell up.
Caseworker 1: Who did what to the chicken?

################################

Officer 2: He's obsessed with his mom. Get him off that titty!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Officer 2: Who want to lay with him...dusty, dirty, funky, nasty ass.

The Latest

Editor's Note: I would like to apologize for misquoting Ms. Caroline Berler in this entry. Her words are not written here verbatim...that's what happens when I don't write shit down. Damn!

Caroline (in the creepiest, deepest voice ever): So...I've read your blog, Amy.
Amy: woah. really?
Caroline: I don't think my humor has been accurately represented. I mean...we talk all the time and I'm not there.
Amy: well...I really try to focus on the words of my primary readers and until now you haven't been one.
Caroline: Don't you think your numbers would jump if you put up some of the funny stuff I say? I don't want to see anything about this conversation on the internet. Pretend it never happened.

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Dad: Hmm...you know...this place really reminds me of a restaurant that might be on Days of our Lives.

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(there has been a giant courthouse sex scandal between a lady attorney and several judges...causing quite the stir!)
Dad: Richard and I are going to start sending eachother sexy emails. Brokeback Courthouse.
Mom: NO! Ha! Don't kid! We don't want anyone in the news for being queer.

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Prancin' around Probation and goodness from the homestead

Dad: Sure...I'll go pick it up...I just need you to give me a little money, honey.
Mom: You don't need money...you just sign for it and charge it to the law office.
Dad: Damn! I'm that big a deal?

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(at work...staffing cases with the people from Mental Health Mental Retardation and our supervisors...Karlee works with MHMR)
Amy: yeah. yeah...he's doing fine. He just smells like ass.
Karlee: I'm gonna put that right into his file.

################################

Debra (another probation officer): If that bitch puts her makeup on in the dark one more time....

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Karlee: So...he went and turned himself into jail and he had a big ole baggie of weed in his pocket.
Amy: Awesome...guy's a rocket scientist!

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(guy tells about all the problems with a program at MHMR)
Karlee: So...in your experience...would it be just a big, huge cluster fuck to refer him right now?

###############################

Amy: He always comes to the door in sponge bob boxers.
Karlee: yeah...and all I can think is "Jesus! Sponge Bob's nose is really big right now!"

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Karlee: I held a donkey once. I really really like donkeys.
Darrin (her boss): Hmmm...I bet donkey smells like ass.

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Amy: You'll never believe!! **** is dating a woman! Our whole caseload is full of big, ugly lesbians. Do you think somebody's doing that on purpose?
Karlee: No...I think there's something in the water! And...if you're big, ugly, dykey and crazy...you want to come to Karlee and Amy. Shit! I'm going to go home and thank Jessica for not being a big, ugly lesbian.

Mexico madness and some extra goodness

Mich: I hope that bitch dates a big old fag and he leaves her for a dude!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Kristen: I'm so proud of you in Spanish for taking a chance. So proud. SO spanish.

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(Amy's defendant works at a nursing home)
Amy: Good morning! How are you?!
D: Well...I'm fine...I'm just tired of cleaning the booties...you know...it's bad enough just to have to clean my own!

******************************************

(Another Defendant on my mental health caseload with some BIG mental issues)
D: I really hate the full moon...let me tell you...we crazy friends just get WAY crazier!

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Boy at gay boy frat party: (About Bethy) I'm really attracted to her...I really think it's hot when girls hang out with lesbians and look kind of like lesbians...but I can tell she might also be into cock. hot.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Amy: Hmm..I might be a little tipsy.
Lora: Hmmm...I might be HAMMERED!

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Bethy: I'm going to have two jobs next semester, Court.
CJ: Big Deal... Good for you. You're not bipolar.
Bethy: Yeah...but the doc says I'm hyper-vigilant
CJ: Woah.
Bethy: It just means I'm neurotic and I worry a lot.
Amy: Don't we all.
Bethy: Yeah...but hyper-vigilant makes me sound like a gladiator.

************************************

Amy: I really like her...I hope her life gets better.
Karlee: Yeah...maybe it will...she needs to be pregnant with that baby about like she needs an asshole on her elbow.

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Amy: I'm really hating MySpace.
Bethy: I think it's just a waste of my...space.

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Caroline: You don't mind if I smoke in here?
Party hostess: No...just don't expect me to join in...I'm old and lame.
Caroline: Yeah...like Amy.

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(uber-sarcastic)
Mom: Good story Beth. You told it awesome.

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Natalie: So...the thing about marriage is...after a while, you need something else to distract you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Peniel: Is that the wind?!
Natalie: No...it's Amy's nose whistle.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isaac: You want me to show you a manly lesbian?! I can show you some manly lesbians...in a place called Mexico!

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Natalie: Isaac doesn't like our singing.
Amy: We're just rejoicing!
(singing Hark the Harold Angels...sounding like angels)
Amy: Aye! I found my badge!
Natalie: It's because we were singing about Jesus.

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Natalie: A woman without collar bones is like swiss cheese without the holes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Amy: what the hell is that?!
Isaac: Oh...it's just a pyramid.
Amy: Woah...I spaced out...are we in egypt!?!

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(mexico decorations)
Amy: Hmm...they're very liberal with the tinsel.

________________________

Natalie: Oh I can eat me some corn tortillas...I can eat the heck out of them!

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Amy: What are you doing?!
Isaac: I'm looking for a treasure.

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Natalie: you know...some of these houses have a real funk to them.

*****************************

Melissa: I'm gonna get a hunger pain and it's going to fuck you up.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Isaac: Pass me that gun and that coke.
Amy: Suddenly I feel like we're in Colombia instead of Mexico.